So, yeah... Four months from now I'll be turning 30. Wow... 4 months. I was staring at the calendar just a bit ago and realized what sort of time frame I have now. I started a journey with at least one destination in mind: my 30th birthday. I wanted to be a bit better than when I started. In a way, I am. I've finally acknowledged things I've been denying for the last, oh, say, 7 years at least. I'm still figuring out how to deal with some those issues along that path. There is still more work to be had, but at least I'm working on it.

One of the main issues I wanted resolved before my birthday was my fun acquainted with my back. I finally seem to have the right doctors who are just as perplexed as I am with it and want to not only find the problem but actually treat the problem. My primary doc understands my frustration with being a druggie, but doesn't want me to ignore the (unfortunate) needs of the situation. (Bad things can happen if you stop some meds suddenly. Since I've been taking a narcotic, daily, for about 4 years, it's not just something to thumb my nose at; steps have to be taken properly.) While I had some success when I first started this new journey, there is still evidence that has been presented that prevents a complete cleansing. It sucks, but I think that that path isn't quite ready to be crossed. It wasn't a complete failure. For me, just knowing that the path was plausible gave me hope that when the physical body is healed, the poison can be extracted as well. There's still four months to go; lots can happen in between then and now! So I'm still hopeful I can accomplish quite a bit before then.

I didn't do much today; I feel like a complete bum! I did wake up before 1000, so at least I scored a point there. I was going to start that book today that I was talking about last night, but got caught up in another and didn't want to put it down until the last page. So tomorrow for sure will begin day 1 of Calling in "The One." And tomorrow is Yogalates day... I don't feel as sore as I did Tuesday night, so maybe my body is more acceptable this week than I thought. If I feel pretty good after tomorrow, I may be able to add something else on the days I'm not doing Yogalates. That would be awesome! (And maybe I could start a gradual reduction of medication too...)

Well, guess I'll stop rambling now... I don't really have anything new or interesting today. I'll let you get back to the more important things in life now!

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... It's Hump Day! (Don't ask me why I can't just call it Wednesday; I'm strange and quite honestly couldn't tell you why!) It's not been too bad of day for me. I got up and was making my bed when out of nowhere this cramp in my leg decided to say good morning to me... Took about an hour or so for the soreness to dissipate enough for me to walk. It was funny to me. (Must I remind you I have no life?) I did some Yogalates and the cramp worked itself out.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. (Or, as one of my friends put it: VD day; make sure you have your check-ups! I have some interesting friends...) Hope yours was good, full of sweets and lots of love!

I didn't do anything yesterday; I was still rather sore from Monday's fun times. Then it hit me; I should probably do some type of workout every other day to try to get my body used to doing something. Then perhaps increase my days. It's not that I don't have the motivation to do it every day, I just want to make sure I'm not pushing too hard and hurt myself further. That would be no bueno, no bueno at all... And since I'm experiencing some spasms today, I believe I'm doing the right thing for the moment. And, yeah, I'm having stupid spasms again. Yay me. *sigh* Nice thing about getting up and doing some Yoga/pilates/Yogalates is I feel more focused afterward. Almost like I could take on the world! Though I know realistically, I'm just happy to be doing something other than wither in pain or from the spasms. That's my huge plus. And the fact that I don't have a job and not going to school, it makes me feel like I'm at least doing something productive.

I've been trying to get past the relationship I had with The Guy. (I know: SHUT UP! Get on with life... but just give me a few before you gag or throttle me...) It's been hard because everything I asked for or ever thought I wanted in my life partner was in this amazing package. (With a bonus: The Kid. Man I miss that ornery bugger!) And I'm trying really hard to just let go and get past it. It doesn't help when I don't have anything to do during the day and I don't get out much due to my wonderful fun known as my back. It's been really hard for me. But I think what's been harder is this journey I am on right now. It's been an awakening of sorts on a lot of other issues I've been avoiding for about seven years. And while I'm still trying to come to terms with a lot of my revelations, I always circle back to The Guy. There's so much turmoil that I hadn't realized I had before my little breakdown. I've made some giant strides, but yet I don't feel as though I'm completely where I want to be.

A couple of months ago, I read an article that stirred some curiosity in me. The expert in the article wrote a book that I'm about to embark with. It's Calling in "The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Now, I didn't get it to (no pun intended) call in "the one." The way I read it is how it's a road to discovery of yourself and fine tuning you to be what you want in your "one." (Make any sense?) I was able to read a short preview and figured it's worth a try. What's the worse that could happen? I finally move on from The Guy and then you, my reader, don't have to read about him and my regrets?? I've never really been into self-help books, mainly because I've not had one pull me. It's funny how life is sometimes, y'know? It's a 49-day process, so this could be an interesting next few weeks... Tomorrow will be day one of the book. Any guesses as to what may appear tomorrow?

Well, guess that's all my ramblings for now... I'll let you get back to the more important things in life! Until next time... CIAO!

So... yeah... Monday. Fun times in the neighborhood. Got up this morning and debated for about an hour before I decided that I should do some Yogalates today... Yep. Got my butt handed to me. Again. Though, it wasn't as rough as a couple of weeks ago. I could actually handle downward facing dog today! (Couple weeks ago, I had to imagine myself doing it. My arms were saying: FORGET IT!, so child's pose it was then...) I feel pretty good though. I'm going to attempt some Yoga tomorrow of the Kundalini type; probably going to do the one where it's more breath focused and not really a whole bunch of movement. I'm not eager to put the hurt on like I did couple weeks back!

Let's see... what else... I believe next month is going to be beyond busy for me... Start of on the 2nd with a full body scan. Then on the 6th I have a follow up with the doc from last month. My nephew will be greeting the world on the 16th (3 months before my birfday!! ). I've got a dentist appointment on the 26th. (Haven't been to the dentist since my discharge in 2005!) Oh! And the most fun thing: I got a summons for jury duty for the 5th! So, yeah... It's going to be a pretty crazy month!

And that's all I got for today... I live such an exciting life... The only thing I've really been doing today is reading. I'm engrossed in George RR Martin's A Storm of Swords. I've only about 120 pages left. It's a really good series! I've just been devouring it all. Definitely a break from my usual series from JD Robb (aka: Nora Roberts) and the Eve Dallas series she's got going on...

Well, nothing of any import otherwise for today. I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!

So... yeah... Woke up yesterday with all kinds of twinges happening up and down the good ol' spine. Today didn't have nearly as many or much carry-over, but I still couldn't do anything. And for some reason I'm back to my late morning wake up call. That's just plain annoying the crap out of me... Guess I should set my alarm again until I get back on a routine of waking up early... And do some Yogalates...

On the plus side, I made my follow up appointment with Dr. Burton (the orthopeadic surgeon I saw last month). My bone scan is scheduled for 2 March so I go back to KU Med on the 6th. Hope the VA cooperates with that tight schedule so I can get a copy of the scan for the doc. Didn't think about the VA factor until a bit ago... Sometimes they take FOREVER to get moving or to do anything. I wouldn't think it'd take too long to burn a copy of the scan. I'm going to check on that tomorrow just to be sure...

In other news... I'm starting to get really excited for next month. March 16th to be precise. My baby brother is going to be a Daddy! I'll be getting a nephew 3 months before my birthday; can't wait! My mom was out and about last night and found this cute little pants and onesie outfit that has a dinosaur and football (er, soccer ball) on it and says: "Kickin' it with Auntie"! How adorable!! Especially since I'm Auntie J... *And, yes, I'm having a girlie moment... DEAL WITH IT! lol*

Hmm... Nothing else of real import at the moment. Having a relapse of missing The Guy and The Kid. Doesn't help when I've been having them show up in my dreams. And I've been smelling The Guy everywhere I go since last night. Which is bad/sad since I have nothing of his or his cologne/scent any where in my room. It was really strong when I went out with my mom to the store this evening. Damn... I must be losing my mind. Or maybe I'm just now realizing it. Either way, it's really sucky...

Well, guess I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!

So... yeah... I can't seem to catch much of a break the past few days. I did some Yoga on Thursday and then decided to take a couple days off since it seemed all my muscles were screaming at me. Then my favorite friend decided to come and visit and knock me on my ass. (Sorry if that may be a little TMI, but I didn't get so lucky on those genes. The person I want to see first when I get to heaven is Eve, not Jesus or God, but Eve so I can smack her and thank her for the freaking curse she put upon us women-folk!) I haven't been doing much of anything since last week. It's almost like I've had no energy, and when I do, all it takes is one little spasm and I'm done. *sigh*

Today I did get up and do some basic Yoga. I don't feel too drained or sore, so I think I did right by taking a couple of days off. Tomorrow, I plan on doing some Yogalates. Gotta try to do something; tired of just sitting around and not doing anything. Plus, I gotta do some laundry. That should be a fun combo; the washer and dryer are in the basement. Extra workout! Just hope I don't overdo it. That would suck...

My grandmother (aka: the Boots Lady) asked me about my back today. When I told her it was being retarded again, she was like , "well tell it to stop it..." I replied: "I have; it won't listen." Then she was like,"Just like its owner!" Lmao I gotta laugh; she can be a hoot! The Boots Lady is 90 (yes, that's nine followed by a zero) and I've spent about two-thirds of my life living with her. And for her being 90, she's still pretty quick and witty as all get out! She's living with my mom and me and I'm so glad she's here. We're all three so much alike, it's scary sometimes. And then the other times it's like a three-ring circus!!

Well, that's about all my ramblings for now... I'll let you go so you can get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!

So... yeah... Today was pretty good! Found out my bone scan takes place on March 2nd. Maybe it'll reveal whatever secret my body continues to hide...

I was feeling a bit adventurous today and decided to do Yogalates... I got my arse handed to me! Wow... Definitely the challenge I was looking for today, but maybe I should have done just some Plain Jane Yoga. Definitely felt pretty good after doing it though. Didn't work on much of anything else; I felt more like reading. (That's one of my big vises... Get me a good book and you won't see me again until after it's been read. I'm a big dork, I know...)

I did happen across a video today about a whale having Scoliosis. Interesting... You should be able to find it here. (If not, just search for "whale with scoliosis.")

When I first got to Hawaii, I bought a Betta fish. I named him Bob. (Any time I don't know what to call something-a plant, a fish, my cane-I call it Bob and that its name until I change my mind.) He looked a little puny so I didn't think he'd last very long. It was crazy too, 'cuz when I was looking at all the pretty Bettas and their colorings, Bob was the only one that followed my finger when I stuck it on his dish/bowl at the store and moved my finger around the dish/bowl. After I got him home and had put him in his new bowl, I looked down and damned if the little bugger didn't have a crooked spine! It made me feel kind of good that I wasn't dealing with this abnormal curvature alone.

All in all, not a bad day. Not too productive, but good. I have 136 days left until my birthday... It's been a little slow going, but I feel like I'll still be able to hit a few of my goals before then. If I don't, yeah, I'll be a little upset, but if I'm on a good path to achieving those goals, I'll be happy!

Well, I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I've been lazy. Nothing really new there. I don't know why, but when I try to get up in the morning the last few days, I just want to turn back over and go back to sleep. I don't, of course, because by the time my eyes open, the sun is flooding through the windows and Bob (my "tapeworm"; story for another time) is reminding me I haven't eaten anything in about 8 hours... *sigh*

Tomorrow is good though. I've been doing good on making sure I'm eating the right stuff/snacks for the past couple of days, so my body isn't reminding me why I have to eat every 2-3 hours and what I should be eating... I've been doing well with one of my resolutions for the year this month, so next month (tomorrow--where did January disappear to??) I can start on another one: making Yoga/Pilates/Yogalates a more constant thing.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been a little heavy in thought and trying to digest what could possibly be going on with my back. I've been a bit bummed that the orthopeadic guy stating that the Scoliosis isn't the root of my back issues. It's a never-ending cycle: not Scoliosis, then what? It's only been within the past couple of days I've decided to really put some thought into the problem. After all, though I'm still carefully considering and researching it, I wouldn't mind Dr. Jay. So, the juices got flowing and...

If I had a patient who came to me, describing the symptoms that I have, where would I start? Easy answer, of course, is an x-ray after a physical exam of the back. Okay. Done. Now that patient shows a remarkable curve in the spine. Okay. Scoliosis. But how would that factor in to the symptoms the patient is presenting? Would they really factor in? My next line of questioning would deal with what sort of abnormalities could the curvature have or cause on the body? It's a fact that Scoliosis itself does not hurt, yet there are some effects from the deformity that could be causing the symptoms presented. (Of course, I would follow the same line of procedures that I have experienced. Only, if I didn't know anything about Scoliosis, I believe my step after trying physical therapy would be to find a specialist, hopefully an orthopeadist, who did.) So, thinking more, what other problems could be masked by the Scoliosis? Is there something deeper going on that isn't being pursued? Or something being overshadowed by the Scoliosis?

So now, I'm in a bit of research mode. I'm trying to explore other avenues that could possibly be the underlying problem, or if/how the Scoliosis could or could not be in cahoots with whatever is the problem.

Tomorrow my game plan entails trying to get a copy of my records from the VAs I visited while I lived in Oklahoma. I'm hoping to be able to get copies of the x-rays/MRI from down there and compare to my recent ones. Maybe the root of everything really is my wonderful curvature. Honestly, though, I'm not fully convinced that the Scoliosis isn't tied in somehow.

Well, I believe that that's all I can logically ramble on about tonight... I'll let you get back to the more important things in life. Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I, once again, had the pleasure to be reminded just how sensitive my body is to certain foods. (I mean, as a baby, I couldn't handle formula, so my mom gave me soy milk!) And from this week's pleasure, I experienced a bit of another setback. I was not feeling very well from Tuesday to yesterday. Even a little bit today, but at least I figured out why my body decided to hate me... White starches, breads in particular, are my enemy. *sigh* So I get to start all over this next week on the yoga train. I'm hoping that everything will be settled and well enough then...

As far as how my back has been feeling, well, with my body kindly reminding me that I haven't been sticking to my diet as I should, it's not been fighting me (or is that the other way around?) too much more than usual. And, yes, I said the "d" word. But I don't mean it as "I'm fat; I need to lose some pounds" diet. I have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar-think opposite of diabetes;my body doesn't make enough sugar) so I stick to a pretty good regimen of certain foods to help my body stretch out sugars so I don't get sick. Like whole grains instead of white starches. Or like how I eat more pastas for the carbs so my body can slowly process the sugar/energy gains. (I really can't tell the difference in wheat pasta versus the real stuff!) I also tend to eat a lot of chicken and other white meats. (I'm not sure why, but my body really does crave chicken like crazy. It's not unusual for me to have chicken 3-4 days in a row or even a week...) I've read several times that hypoglycemics should stick to a diabetic(-ish) diet. Tried that once; not a pretty picture. While I do try to be very aware of my sugar consumption and keep it to a minimum, I do have to have it in my diet. Some of my friends think it odd that I can eat pure sugar and be okay, but not certain foods that have natural sugar in it, like sweet potatoes. Oddly enough, they're too sweet and I can only handle a bite or two before my body decides to revolt. Long of my mumbles here is that when I'm able to keep to my diet, my body loves me. When I don't, I don't feel so hot. Note to self: stick to diet and all will be well.

What else to ramble on about... Hmm... Can't really think of anything else of import going on or upcoming, so I guess I will sign off for now...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Not too bad of day. I was able to do some Yoga this morning after waking up. And didn't have any spasms whilst doing it! I'm still feeling the buzz from it... I've also only taken one dose of meds today, and that was with dinner. I'm feeling pretty darn good right now. Maybe I can accomplish a couple of the things I'd like to before my birthday...

Not really anything else exciting going on at the moment... I have come to the conclusion over the last couple weeks that I'm going to take this year for me, to get better physically and wash all the relationships of the last few years out of my hair. Romeo seems to think it's okay to drunk propose and then not talk about it. More over, to not to talk to me at all. That's fine by me; shows me I was wrong once more in the guy department and that I need to guard my heart better. I had been trying to decide on one of the conditions Romeo had in order for us to be a couple: kids. He doesn't want them. Had Romeo come to me about a year ago, it would have been a no brainer; I was comfortable with that then. Now, though, having spent time with an amazing kid for a few months, my heart just isn't comfortable enough in agreeing to having no kids. (And I'm not sure if I should curse or thank The Guy...) While I'm not in a rush to be a mum tomorrow, the little bit of time I was able to spend with The Kid helped to heal some scars of my past and open my heart and soul to the possibility of motherhood.

So this year, I'm going to be selfish and work on me. I'm also going to be putting some time and energy into figuring out what direction and path is right for me. I have an idea or two floating around my head, so hopefully the path there can be rather easy to find...

Well, I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!!

So... yeah... Not been the best week, though I know I've had worse. I fell last Monday, just a few feet from my mom and grandma fixing supper. I was kind of happy they didn't see it; thank goodness my theatre experience is paying off, even if it isn't paying me! lol Bad joke... Moving on now...

So, yeah, falling... I had a bad spasm and would have hit the floor if I hadn't had the counter in front of me to hold on to. Then came the usual mini spasms and pain. Dealt with a bunch of spasms and pain throughout the week. I feel like a weakling now; I haven't much stamina for anything right now. I'm not even sure what it is I'm doing from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. Time lapses again. Yay...

I had a day trip with my mom on Friday. We drove 4 hours to a close family friend in Oklahoma. (My mom and the lady we went to see have been friends for as long as anyone can remember. I've only ever known her as Aunt Nicole (nickalee).) Aunt Nic's brother passed away on the 13th; the dude was only 2.5 years older than me. It was a bit of a sobering experience for me. The dude had a spontaneous hematoma appear on his spine a couple years back and it caused him to become a paraplegic. It was a bit of a set back for this dude as he had been really active his whole life, always playing basketball and baseball. I didn't know the guy, or well, don't really recall him too much, so I can't really say how this really effected him or who he really was. The bit that bothers me most is how his shortcomings gave me a bit of an epiphany. He never gave up hope that he would walk again. The Wednesday before he died, he had moved his right foot by himself during physical therapy. Seems a waste that his hopes were coming to fruition just in time for him to leave this earthly journey for the great beyond. But that's what gave me this epiphany...

I've been dealing with my back in all its glory for nine years now. While I'm most grateful  for the ability to be able to walk of my own volition, I'm so tired of how whatever is wrong with me and how it has been slowly taking my freedom and independence I once took for granted. I no longer have the stamina or strength to be outside the house for very long; the pain and spasms I experience are slowly eating at my resolution to keep strong and fight. When Ashley (Aunt Nic's brother/the dude who died) went through everything, he did try to stay positive about his situation, never for a moment believing he'd be a paraplegic the rest of his life.

I was told he died of an overdose of meds, and this is the type of stuff I always think about when I pray to the painkiller gods and muscle relaxer kings. I've been taking medication daily since August 2008. Last year, the spasms and pain increased to where I'm now taking double of my meds. The docs continuously seem content that all I'm taking is 4 pain killers. But for someone who used to be completely holistic and could pass out with just one Tylenol and the like, what kind of damage is this really doing to me? Sure, I'm way below the chance of taking too many, but my system has never been normal. When I can take primrose oil for cramps and it actually help them not be so strong, what is wrong with this picture of the amount of painkillers I'm taking???

So what was my epiphany you ask? Two things really...

1.) I can't lose hope. I may not know what is wrong with my back, but it won't be like this for ever. If Ashley believed that he was to walk again and seemed to be making progress, then my situation isn't lost.

2.) I have got to get off the meds, all of them. I don't know how, but I must find a way. I was drug free and pain free once; I will get there again. I'm tired of the fog and haze...

I only have 146 days until I'm 30. I've not made any progress towards the goals I set for myself when I first started this blog. In a way, Ashley kind of slapped me to get back on track. I've only 146 days to be where I want to be. Today is almost done, so tomorrow will be day 1 of fighting back to be well once more...

Well, guess that's all for now... I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!