January 22, 2012

  • Death's epiphany

    So... yeah... Not been the best week, though I know I've had worse. I fell last Monday, just a few feet from my mom and grandma fixing supper. I was kind of happy they didn't see it; thank goodness my theatre experience is paying off, even if it isn't paying me! lol Bad joke... Moving on now...

    So, yeah, falling... I had a bad spasm and would have hit the floor if I hadn't had the counter in front of me to hold on to. Then came the usual mini spasms and pain. Dealt with a bunch of spasms and pain throughout the week. I feel like a weakling now; I haven't much stamina for anything right now. I'm not even sure what it is I'm doing from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. Time lapses again. Yay...

    I had a day trip with my mom on Friday. We drove 4 hours to a close family friend in Oklahoma. (My mom and the lady we went to see have been friends for as long as anyone can remember. I've only ever known her as Aunt Nicole (nickalee).) Aunt Nic's brother passed away on the 13th; the dude was only 2.5 years older than me. It was a bit of a sobering experience for me. The dude had a spontaneous hematoma appear on his spine a couple years back and it caused him to become a paraplegic. It was a bit of a set back for this dude as he had been really active his whole life, always playing basketball and baseball. I didn't know the guy, or well, don't really recall him too much, so I can't really say how this really effected him or who he really was. The bit that bothers me most is how his shortcomings gave me a bit of an epiphany. He never gave up hope that he would walk again. The Wednesday before he died, he had moved his right foot by himself during physical therapy. Seems a waste that his hopes were coming to fruition just in time for him to leave this earthly journey for the great beyond. But that's what gave me this epiphany...

    I've been dealing with my back in all its glory for nine years now. While I'm most grateful  for the ability to be able to walk of my own volition, I'm so tired of how whatever is wrong with me and how it has been slowly taking my freedom and independence I once took for granted. I no longer have the stamina or strength to be outside the house for very long; the pain and spasms I experience are slowly eating at my resolution to keep strong and fight. When Ashley (Aunt Nic's brother/the dude who died) went through everything, he did try to stay positive about his situation, never for a moment believing he'd be a paraplegic the rest of his life.

    I was told he died of an overdose of meds, and this is the type of stuff I always think about when I pray to the painkiller gods and muscle relaxer kings. I've been taking medication daily since August 2008. Last year, the spasms and pain increased to where I'm now taking double of my meds. The docs continuously seem content that all I'm taking is 4 pain killers. But for someone who used to be completely holistic and could pass out with just one Tylenol and the like, what kind of damage is this really doing to me? Sure, I'm way below the chance of taking too many, but my system has never been normal. When I can take primrose oil for cramps and it actually help them not be so strong, what is wrong with this picture of the amount of painkillers I'm taking???

    So what was my epiphany you ask? Two things really...

    1.) I can't lose hope. I may not know what is wrong with my back, but it won't be like this for ever. If Ashley believed that he was to walk again and seemed to be making progress, then my situation isn't lost.

    2.) I have got to get off the meds, all of them. I don't know how, but I must find a way. I was drug free and pain free once; I will get there again. I'm tired of the fog and haze...

    I only have 146 days until I'm 30. I've not made any progress towards the goals I set for myself when I first started this blog. In a way, Ashley kind of slapped me to get back on track. I've only 146 days to be where I want to be. Today is almost done, so tomorrow will be day 1 of fighting back to be well once more...

    Well, guess that's all for now... I'll let you get back to the more important things in life... Until next time... CIAO!