So, yeah… I wasn’t planning on being away for that long; I swear it was just a couple of days ago when I was last here! Then, after I got this strong urge to write, I find that this community, Xanga, isn’t going to be around for much longer. AGH!! NO!! *sigh* While I told myself I’d find another home to share my journey before I did a last hoorah, I’ve just got a few things that I just can’t keep to myself anymore. I need my outlet! I am trying to find a new home to share my journey with you, and once I get it, I will make sure to let you know how it goes and where to find me if you want to see me again.

Okay… So a couple of things have happened since I was last here. I had my Social Security hearing. London has set a deadline of August for me to be over there with him. And, yesterday, I had the hardest day ever: I had to call my brother to come pick me up at the mall because I couldn’t walk…

So, first order of business-my hearing. The one chance I have at trying to explain my side of my disability and how it affects my life, I choke. Yeah, just outright, couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, choke. I blew it. The beginning of the hearing moved along rather nicely, nicer than what I was expecting. Even the vocational rehab expert was right on the money (minus the jobs that she said I should be able to do) with how hard it really is for me to work. My attorney asked me some questions; more for just clarification, but also a little to help see things on my side of the fence. Then the judge asked if there was anything I wanted to say… I politely said that I didn’t, other than “it sucks to be my age and have to deal with everything I do all the time.” In all fairness, though, I had been sitting for around 2 hours by this time and my meds were kicking in with the cloudy mind. Add to lack of sleep and my nerves, I thought it best to just keep quiet. Sometimes I can just ramble on and on about nothing, but y’all wouldn’t know a thing about that, would you?

The thing that sucks is that I had my chance to talk about my struggles every day, between the pain and spasms and how it all drains me. It was a little disappointing, though I feel like at some later time I will be able to actually tell my story. Especially how on paper it may not look there’s a single thing wrong with me, yet, look at me and tell me I don’t. (And remember to scan in the scene of me holding my cane, because everyone my age wants to use one…) I’m hoping that my last impression was enough to speak the words I just couldn’t find. I walked into the hearing decently enough, but I definitely walked differently out. With me sitting for about 45 minutes before the hearing, and then sitting for the 30-ish minutes for the hearing, um, yeah… I had more of a limp and it was harder for me to walk out of the room. Should hear something about getting my SS around the end of the summer. Yay for more waiting! *sigh*

Now, London… Wow. After he visited in April, we decided that we really want to give this the true go it needs to go the distance. (Heh, literally and figuratively! Bet I couldn’t do that again even if I tried!) Since I have no life, I said that I wouldn’t mind doing the relocating. I fell in love with England the first time I was there; how could I pass up the opportunity to go again? And while I have no qualms about moving, I have so much to do to get there! Not so worried about myself, but Leo is a different story… It won’t really take much to get him ready to cross the Pond; I just gotta somehow get the funds to prepare him. (And while I am grateful for my 10% rating with the VA, $129 doesn’t go too far…) Then there’s the airline fun; trying to find a comfortable flight that will accommodate both Leo and me. Leo is pretty good on car trips, as long as he can see me and I can pet him, he’s okay. He’s so skiddish around anyone that isn’t me, there is no way that he’d survive a plane ride in the cargo hold! Plus, since I know how he is, there’s no way I’d survive him being so far away from me. (Okay, so I’ve got a little separation anxiety too. Guess that’s part of the territory; I consider Leo a therapy cat. He’s helped me become more comfortable in myself, even if he doesn’t go out and about with me. He helps me calm down before and after I run errands or what have you. And he does not let me out of his sight on my really bad days…) So I’m going to have an adventure before the adventure! Could be some interesting times ahead in the next couple of months…

And, lastly: yesterday. This will be the hardest part of this blog for me to write. Over the last few months, I feel like my independence is being taken from me. I’ve started walking in my house with my cane full time now. I’ve been extremely concerned that this day would come to pass, as I started walking with my cane outside of my apartment/house/home all the time in the summer of 2010. I just thought I’d have a little while before I did. Now, the one place that I thought I could be free, could have a safe haven, has seemed to become part of my prison. I’ve had to up my frequency of meds because of the pain and spasms attacking me. I feel weak and unable to fight this battle. I don’t know why I’m in this stage of life, why I’m here having to go through everything I do, all the time. I keep hearing a small whisper, “This is not your story.” (If this isn’t my story, then, could You tell me whose story it is so I can talk to them??) It’s so hard to walk any more. I have to time myself when I leave the house! Anything over 2 hours and it’s game over. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t like going out unless someone is with me. Yesterday was a prime example of why…

So, yesterday… I had an appointment at the VA at 10. No biggie. After my appointment, I headed to the T-mobile store at the mall to pay for service this month. (My mom and the Boots Lady (my 91-years-young grandma) wanted to give me something good for my birthday; they decided to help me out a little by paying for a month of service. Happy Early Birthday to me!! ) Even with me walking slowly, it took me a few minutes to get over to the store. Then I had this brilliant idea that since I was at the mall, I’d duck into a few stores to price check a few things. Not too bad. Went to the car after wondering around for about an hour or so, and started feeling the spasms I ignored while I was looking around. (I did have a decent size one while I was in the dressing room trying on some jeans, but as I was on my way out the door, I pressed on.) I sat down in the car and decided it wasn’t a good idea for me to drive, what with the pain radiating everywhere and the small spasms starting to take over.

Looked at my phone so I could call someone to pick me up and saw I didn’t have a signal. I went without my phone last month b/c I just didn’t have the cash to do so. In an effort to remind myself of this, I turned the phone’s airplane mode on so I wouldn’t get charged anything. (I’m old school; I remember when you actually had to pay for every minute you used, roaming and otherwise!) I tried all the normal stuff to get back on the cell network. Still couldn’t get a signal. I did the only thing I thought to do; I went back to the T-mobile store to see what the issue was. Got to the store, where everyone and their dog deciding that this was a good time to go to the T-mobile store. I started to stand in line and after a couple of minutes, I had one helluva spasm that almost knocked me to the ground. (Thank goodness for the wall that was behind me!) Saw a bench not that far from the store and thought I should just sit there for a few minutes until a lull. Then it hit me; maybe I need to restart my phone! Yep, that did it…

Texted my brother and he was there in about 15 minutes from my SOS. I think it scared him a little that I had to SOS and the state that he found me in… It scared me. As the years roll on, the more I feel like my independence slipping from me. Even just 5 years ago, I was able to walk freely, with the cane use down to hardly if ever needed. I was living on my own. I was attempting to work and to do some night school. I had more mobility and agility to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Sure, there were days like I experience now, but they were so far from one another that I could live a semi-life. Now, I have issues just walking from my room to the bathroom about 10-15 feet from one another. AND I have to use a cane to go that distance!

I try my damnedest to stay positive; I don’t like being around Debbie Downer, so I try not to be her. It’s getting harder and harder for me, though. I cocoon myself in my room so that no one has to see how bad I really am. My family is always poking fun of me because of it too. They always have; I was worse in high school! It was easy when I was able to live on my own; I could really hide it and no one outside of my apartment would know the difference. Hard living at home with the Momma; sometimes I see how it kills her to watch me. I try hard to not be a burden to anyone and I try to do everything myself. My fam gets upset when I do some things (like carrying a plate of food and/or glass back to my room, with me using the cane) by myself. It’s nothing against them; it’s just me trying to keep what little independence I have left. It’s just getting so hard the past couple of months…

Hrm… Well, now that I have that vent out of the way, I believe I may actually have some good rest tonight. Thank you so much for letting me vent!!

Until next time… CIAO!

So, yeah… How’s it? Me? Well… I took a bit of a sabbatical and didn’t tell anyone… But, I’m back for good this time! I’ve not accomplished a single resolution this year so far, so I figure I’m seriously going to get on that or face a really lousy year. SO…

I’ve got so much going on at the moment, I don’t know where exactly to start! I guess I’ll start with a quick bullet-type list. And as much as I would love to go into more detail about most of them, I have an early day tomorrow and really should head to bed soon. Tomorrow I will go little further into what’s going on in my little corner of the world. And away we go!

• In January, one of the things that I have been so not looking forward to happened: I had to use my cane–IN MY ROOM! Now, while it’s only been one day so far, a little perspective of my dread… I slowly had to up my use of my cane outside of the house, so much so that it is a daily thing now. Get why I really don’t want that to happen??

• My invitation to go back to the Lake this season was rescinded. Apparently everyone knows my physical limitations and what I can and can’t do better than me… (Bitter? A little… Okay… A LOT BITTER!!)

• I FINALLY have a hearing date for Social Security Disability. Nervous as all get out, but I’m trying to not think about it so much…

• London came for a visit this month. Super happy 14 days!!! (And, y’all know about my cat, Leo the Cat? He’s very skittish around anyone not me… Leo made great strides with London; he got onto London’s shoulders like he does with me. AND! Leo is a smelly cat. I mean that in a he has to smell EVERYTHING. (No, no Phoebe song here!) Well, Leo decided he liked the turkey London was putting in a sandwich. Leo isn’t a people food cat; he just doesn’t care for it. Leo take a small piece-from London’s hand–and actually ate it!! )

Those are the more important things at the moment… The back is being retarded with all this Spring, no Winter, no Spring, or whatever season weather pattern going on. I have so many errands to run tomorrow; it should be a fun time! *sigh*

Well, I’ll let you go for now… I’m still alive and starting my new year’s resolution tomorrow! And those that know me know that I’m right on Jayme Time!

Until next time… CIAO!

**Oh! And please say a quick prayer for those in Boston and those seriously effected by the events that happened… It’s a travesty that any human could be so callous about life…**

So, yeah… Haven’t really kept to my resolutions so far… Just been going through some stuffs and can’t seem to organize my thoughts properly. I feel all over the place some days; other days I just want to stay in bed and not get out. While it’s true that I have so much going for me right now, the battles within rarely still. Been missing the Old Man quite a bit lately too. Not entirely sure why; guess I just miss talking to him.

Good side of things, though, is the spasms and pain have settled just enough to let me start Yogalates again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good when I do something like yoga or yogalates. My spine has been feeling sore lately too. But I’m tired of sitting around and not doing anything. Maybe if I push myself and show my back who’s boss, it’ll start letting me do what I want to do. Guess we shall see…

More good side of things: my doc believes me and the pain that I have. I had an appointment a couple weeks back and she wanted to brainstorm with some colleagues to see if there might be something we’re missing or overlooking. My doc had made the comment that she sees a lot of people who pretend to be in a lot of pain just to get the meds. Now, my doc is awesome. She doesn’t hold any punches. She’s one of those call-it-like she-sees-it type person. And while I’ve seen the doc only 3 times, she can see the genuineness in my pleas for a better life without narcotics (hell, without meds period). The fact that she also understands that my situation is going to be with me until the day I die, helps us both to have an understanding of trying to get this under control a bit more. It’s amazing to be in this place.

I feel like I finally have a doc that wants to be proactive and not just treat the symptoms. Finally, someone who wants to listen and not just pass me through the system. Okay, yes, I have had some good doctors. So many of them have tried and exhausted resources to get to the bottom of it all. I’m thankful for all the good and bad docs. And I can’t hold anything against the bad ones. I can understand why they aren’t as willing to believe me when they have so many other patients that try to manipulate their situations.

The most frustrating to me, though, is how I used to be so active and now I have troubles at just getting out of bed. I can’t explain why one day I can run a marathon and the next I have to use my cane just to get down the hall to the bathroom. But it’s the truth. I can handle the pain and most of the spasms, even though it takes more energy to pretend I’m okay. And that’s probably my downfall; I use a good amount of my energies hiding the pain and spasms and how much they truly take out of me. I can hide it all pretty decently up to a certain point. Then I just have to med up and veg out. It’s hard. And I’ve been doing it for 10 years now. 10 years… I thought for sure after a year or two, whatever is wrong would have been found and I’d be on the mend, never having to deal with this again. I still hope and look forward to the day I’ll be able to do whatever I want and not worry about wasted energy on hiding.

But enough of that now… I know that I could have things worse than what I do. I’m fortunate enough to know what love is, from family, friends, London. I’m fortunate that I’m not some sad veteran statistic. I’m so fortunate to be where I am in life, even if it isn’t where I thought I would be by now. I have daily reminders of these things. And I’m so thankful of them.

Well, guess I’ll sign off for now… Eyelids are starting to get harder to stay open… Hope all is good and well in your neck of the woods!!

Until next time… CIAO!

So, yeah… Slowly trying to adjust to the new year, even if we are a week into it! Hope everyone had a nice holiday and rung in the new year with those most important to you!!

I’ve made a promise to myself for this year: LIVE. I preach a lot about not letting your circumstances interfere with life. Sometimes, though, I forget this and start down a dangerous slope that can lead to darkness. Then the bad thoughts begin. But not because I want to leave life; it’s more I’m just tired of all the pain. This may be a revelation to my family (and I do ask for your forgiveness), as I don’t really like talking about the darkness, most especially to them. I love life, really. And I can not begin to describe how thankful I am that I’m here, have a loving family and just so many positives to light my path when I sink. There are just days that the pain and spasms I experience are so much, that, well, I just want it to stop.

The Old Man had 3 separate back operations over his lifetime, all in the prime of his life. The thing that was most unique about my relationship with my Dadi was how open and honest he was with me about everything. We could talk for hours about music or movies or just all the fun (and highly illegal) times he had in the military. Then, when I started having my own back pains, we bonded over drugs and pain. (I know that’s a strange combo, but I’m not exactly a normal person…) And not the usual aches and pains; the pains of how it all touches so much quality of life. I always listened to his cautions about the road sometimes going dark and the feeling of despair devouring the light, making it feel as if you’re the only one on the darkest of roads. I thought I’d never get there; I’m always positive, always smiling, and always trying to find that one spot of sun when it rains. I never thought I’d ever experience the darkness as the Old Man had described…

It’s been 10 years since the pain and spasms decided to set in. (Happy Anniversary to me?) And, still, 10 years on, there is no rhyme or reason or concrete diagnosis. I’ve gotten docs who believe me, but have no clue as to a course of action to heal me. I’ve gotten complete nutters who think that if I just exercise the other side of my back out, I’ll cure the 39.5-degree curve in my spine. I’ve gotten docs who say, point blank, no holds bar: You can’t possibly be in as much pain as you say you experience. (Takes every fiber in my being to hold back the urge to slap the shit out of them and leave.) Then I get the docs that fall somewhere in between all this and still can’t offer a prognosis or treatment plan. It’s been a very frustrating 10 years… and some days I just want the pain and spasms to just stop. For good.

It’s nothing against any one person or anything. I’m just so tired of the whole deal with my back. I’ve gone from being able to running 2-miles in about 19 minutes to taking 19 minutes to walk from the car into a store or the library. Okay, that’s a gross exaggeration; it only takes me 18 minutes, 59 seconds… Truth is, and in all honesty, 5 minutes tops, and that’s with me parking in a handicapped spot. Since I’ve started taking medications, and more with the narcotics side of them, my blood pressure and resting heart rates have gone from 110/65 & 65 (and, yes, I was breathing at the time!) to 140/90 & 95-115. (Believe me; I’ve looked at the records in my military records. Even when I was rushed, hot, and panting getting to an appointment, my bp & hr were close to all that!) I’m not even sure, nor do I even want to think, about how the meds have made homes on the rest of my body…

Getting back to my main 2013 resolution… Because of my brush with the darkest recesses of my path, I want to finally live and enjoy life. Fully. 100% in the now. I have the most loving and adoring familia, an amazing guy who makes me feel like I’m the center of his world, and a want to just piss the darkness into never, ever touching me; I am declaring this to be my year. I declare it to be the most abundant, the most loving, the most joyful, the most amazing year ever. And not just for me; for you as well! We all deserve to have the positives and joys of life to move forward every day. It’s hard to always look up and smile, but it’s harder to admit there are follies around you that are just looking for that one moment of weakness to pull you down. I refuse to let the darkness blot out the brightest of lights on my path of life. And that is my promise to me, to my family, to London, and to you. And believe me, when I promise to do something, I do it! (Regardless of whatever obstacle(s) may present themselves and try to force me off the path of accomplishment.)

So, 2013, bring it! I’m ready to get back to life with unimagined tenacity and strength and courage like no one has seen before!!

Until next time… CIAO!

So, yeah… I know it’s been a while… Been dealing with a lot of spasms and pain and just not really feeling like writing about it. And I’ve been feeling like a bit Scrooge-ish. I didn’t want to make anyone lose their sense of wonderment or joy for the season by posting negativity. Y’all know I hate being a Debbie Downer! I’m slowly getting out of whatever funk decided to grab me over the last few weeks and I have some of my creativity back, mainly my writing skills, so I thought I’d at least stop in and say, “Hi! I’m a dork and have been MIA for a while, but I’ve been thinking about everyone!” (<–See; DORK!)

I do hope you will forgive my absence here…  But don’t feel too left out; I haven’t even really been on Facebook or Twitter much in about the same time and keep getting e-mails checking up on me! I promise after Christmas to bring you up to speed on all the happenings in my oh-so-wonderful life and give y’all a proper post.

Well, I won’t keep ya for much longer. I would like to share with you my most favoritest Christmas song. I don’t know when I first heard it, but it truly is my favorite. I’ve always loved The Little Drummer Boy and when I heard Bing Crosby and David Bowie do this, I just melted. (Sorry for a link; I’m technology challenged today! And I’m sorry for the stupid commercial ya gotta sit through in order to see it… AGAIN: technology challenged today!)

Mele Kalikimaka!!

Feliz Natal!!

Feliz Navidad!!

Merry Christmas!!

Hope y’all have the merriest of Christmases!!

Remember to hold your loved ones tighter this year and tell them you love them; we never know when our last moment with them might be… And, please, don’t forget those that are miles away and unable to come home this year; a quick prayer for their safe return never hurts!

Until next time… CIAO!!

**Previous title: London calling**

So, yeah… As promised, here I am! Still not sure if the right words and all will come out right, but I can’t postpone this entry forever…

I’ve had quite the last few weeks, that’s for sure… Not sure where I want to start… Guess this could be a good start:

So this is London… At least a face with the name to help those of you that are a little visual

London was here for 12 days and that wasn’t near enough time!! He was originally (or so I thought; maybe I had one of those blonde moments and can’t remember right) to stay for a few days. Then it was a couple days tacked on. Then, he decided to do the 12 days. Not complaining-trust me. I’m so glad he could spend that much time with me… but I do feel a little selfish that I had so much time with him when he doesn’t really get much of a chance to see his family and friends too often thanks to his job keeping him so busy.

I didn’t start getting too nervous until the ride to the airport to pick him up. The reality of this big step in my life so close now scared the crap out of me. I almost froze a couple of times; the thought to abandon ship crossed my mind a couple of times too. But when I started thinking about where I’ve been the last couple years, the journey I took to get here and then the one I took in the spring, and how my curiosity far outweighed anything else, I grew more excited to meet this insane guy who was also taking a huge leap in life himself. It didn’t help the butterflies doing their acrobatics in my tummy, but I felt I’d come too far to let anything really stop me from seizing the moment and letting something good just happen. I’m so glad I did-London turned out to be everything and more than I could ever hope or dream or imagine!!

I was running a little late getting on the road before picking him up so I arrived at the airport a little later than planned. When I got to the airport I went to one of the monitors to see where his flight landed and check the baggage claim number. Next thing I know I got this guy bumping me… I didn’t even have to look up; I knew it was London! The good news, the universe didn’t implode when we hugged!!  (Course, if it had, guess you would have known already and whose fault it was… )

And it was gravy from then on. We rarely had moments of awkwardness or uncomfortable silence. It took us a couple of days to really believe we were together, spending time with one another. We didn’t do much while he was here, but just chilling with him was so nice! Getting to fully know one another was awesome. Conversations, dinners, and time flowed together and disappeared before we knew it. He met some of my family and didn’t run away, so I see it as a good thing going on between us! (My family seems to like him too; SCORE!)

Spending so much time together as we did, we found how much in common we have. Even our idiosyncrasies are alike! Like how we think out loud sometimes and don’t even realize it until someone around us asks if they were supposed to answer or remark… Or like how when we get a little upset or uncomfortable in a situation the OCD gene takes over and whatever is around us gets very organized… Or how we like apple juice with pizza… (Seriously, we didn’t even know that until we went to this little cafe place in the WWI memorial we went to and ordered a pizza. When he was asked about something to drink, he asked me, “Apple juice okay?” I almost fell over! Couldn’t believe it! What are the odds of us having something like that in common???) Or even how we have the same toothbrush!

There’s a saying that great minds think alike, but sometimes it scares the crap out of me at how alike he and I are. Those online dating sites put together your profile and people that could be interested in you from this huge questionnaire you answer when you first sign up for their services. On paper, you may look like soulmates, yet in person you two may have nothing in common. Nothing, regardless of how many ‘nodes’ you two share. For London and me, it’s the complete opposite. On paper we look like we have no business to get involved with one another. We look about has perfect for each other as oil and water. But somehow, in person, we seem to be the right fit for the other. It’s just one of those weird coincidences that we can’t really figure out, and, honestly, we don’t want to; we’re just taking a day at a time and enjoying the time we do get to have.

While London and I were lazy much of the time he was here, we decided to do a couple of things so he had something to tell his British friends just how bizarre Americans really are! We went to a museum to see an exhibit on Civil War medicine. (It was a neat place, full of other exhibits that were kind of interesting.) Then we went to this one place to see how they make their coffee. That was decent, but I think London and I were looking for something a little more than what we got. Can’t complain about a free tour though! And somehow we ended up at a WWI memorial. THAT was cool! London was looking for a park or something similar just to walk around a bit and get some fresh air. He found the memorial by accident but we both ended up loving it. We spent 4-5 hours there and didn’t even know it! We even did a normal date thing by watching the new Bond movie too. (I highly recommend; there’s quite a few throw backs to some of the older movies!)

I mentioned a little bit earlier how London was insane for jumping on a plane and taking this huge leap just to meet me… Still think he is a bit insane, but, then, I guess I’m just as equally, especially when I can see a future with him. Out of all the guys I’ve dated, including my ex-husband, this is the first time I can see a future with. And while I’m a little scared at that thought, it’s one of those good scares. Never thought I’d say that or experience something like this. And apparently I’m not the only one…

Looking towards the future, I sense there is a move for me to England. It won’t happen overnight, tomorrow or even next month, but, eventually. Strange, yes, to be so early in this relationship and making some life changing events such as this. I don’t know how to explain it properly, other than I don’t want to live life with regrets or with a coulda’ woulda’ shoulda’ mentality. Sometimes a little step in faith and hope can lead you down the most amazing path and some of the greatest adventures of your life. Should this not work with London (for whatever reason, though I really find it hard to see an end), I’ll have at least had some of the best times of my life and have peace when I look back for I will never have to wonder “what would have happened if…” (That does make me a bit crazy, doesn’t it?)

It occurred to me after that first couple of days that 12 days just wouldn’t be enough. I could spend the rest of my life with London and it still not feel like it was enough time. It’s a rarity to find anyone who can understand my sense of humor, my ramblings about nothing, or even just follow my thought patterns without any explanation behind them or any true direction. London makes me feel like a woman, a lady and a person all my own. He knows how to cook (loved everything he cooked for me!), opens the door for me, and makes me coffee first thing in the morning. Most amazingly, he took it upon himself to invite Leo along with us. (How many men out there in the world would include their girl’s critter in the fun???) Yes, we got along brilliantly for 12 days, and while it was only 12 days and we were on our best behaviour, nothing seemed forced or false. So thinking about a lifetime with this amazing guy isn’t too much of a crazy thought, at least in my world it’s not.

And this is what Leo thought of not getting a wet meal at the table when London and I sat down to dinner

Hmm… I think that’s about all for now… Still tired and starting to doze a bit. I’m sure I’ll be editing most of this come tomorrow after I get more rest…

Well, okay, I’ll let you go for now. Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday and if I don’t get on here before Turkey Day, HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!! Hope you have a good day and stuff yourself beyond belief!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… I know a lot of you are wondering how I’ve been, how London’s visit went… Still tired and the creative juices just aren’t flowing right at the moment… SORRY!!

I seriously have so much to talk about, but my little peepers just aren’t wanting to stay open for long. (A couple of bites: he doesn’t mind cooking, opening doors for me, and is more amazing in person than I ever imagined possible! I never thought it possible to actually find someone like London; I’m so glad that I took a step back and he found me. Better shut up for now before I start snoring again or give everything away and you don’t have anything to wonder about throughout the day tomorrow… )

Well, hope everyone is fairing well and all is good in your neck of the woods… I promise to get on the ball tomorrow; so much to write about, I’m bursting at the seams to tell you!!!

Until then… CIAO!!

So, yeah… How’s it?? This cold weather then warm weather then cold again crap needs to stop… One day I can conquer the world, the next, Leo has to be my alarm to kick my ass into gear. Not that many days left out on the Lake. Kind of nice that the season is coming to a close; my body is so starting to hate me more than normal. But it also sucks since no one else wants to take a chance on this ol’ disabled vet. I just hope I don’t drive my family (and vice versa) crazy over the next few months, in between this season ending and next year’s starts…

The back isn’t doing too bad, but it’s really starting to tell me just how wrong I am for taking this on. I can’t help it! Of the three job interviews I did a few months ago, I walked into two with my cane. The third place didn’t see my cane, yet I was honest about my back and told my supervisor and the lake manager about it. And the one where I didn’t use my cane, well, they’re the only ones who took a chance. I can’t scream discrimination because: 1) I was honest about my abilities (and disabilities) and 2) Though I have the experience and knowledge to do a certain job, it doesn’t quite translate well on my resume, so there’s always someone more qualified. I get it. Still doesn’t take the sting out of it all…

London will be here next Monday. (Yeah, the 5th!) And he’ll be staying for 12 days… I am so totally getting nervous!! I know words can be written. I know words can be spoken. Words can either cut or heal, be a hello or goodbye, give life or death. But here’s the thing: words can just be words until life is breathed into them. I know that carrying on a conversation with anyone, via whatever form, is never an easy task and words can seem a little one-dimensional. While I believe and feel that London is the real deal, I can’t wait to look into his eyes, his soul, and feel what is behind the words. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions get stirred up during the day when I think about him or even getting the chance to talk with him. I feel he’s very much like me; I never say anything unless I mean it. Which is nice, but being so far away from one another makes hard to really hear the words in their intended meaning.

I may sound like a pretty decent wordsmith on here, but when it comes to real life, words fail me. Miserably more often than not… When it comes to affairs of the heart, it’s so hard for me to share that world with anyone. So many people have left me along my journey of life that I never feel 100% committed to anyone until that one moment that comes and they never leave. (Most especially since all this crap has come about with my back. I always give an out, but reality is that I want someone to stay with me through all the ups and downs with it. It’s a lot to ask, I know, but surely there’s at least one good person who looks beyond that and wants to be right beside me as I endure as I can.) It’s one of the hardest things for me to work on, to not let someone else’s mistake or abandonment leave a bitter taste in my mouth and to give someone a chance. It’s so hard to just let go and let the good show me more than I’ve ever been shown. And I think that’s why it feels so different with London than with anyone I’ve ever thought of being with. It scares me that I feel more open to letting the good stuff in and to just enjoy the moment, to just let life do its thang and take it as it is, especially with London.

I started something with London about a week or so after we began e-mailing on our personal accounts, away from the safety net of the online dating service communications. He doesn’t really get a chance to enjoy much of life’s simplest pleasures due to his job. At first, I started with just a picture of the lake and the beach where I work. (Nice shots to just imagine yourself there and take a minute to breath…) Then I began shooting sunrises and sunsets. So now, every day I work, I shoot whichever I’m on shift to experience. It’s become one of those small guilty pleasures I share with London. I always feel like there’s a small part of him with me when I take those pictures. Like there’s that real possibility of watching many, many more with him, next to him. I’ve never been able to imagine that, having someone with me, beside me as I travel down those paths less traveled. And that scares the hell out of me; I feel as though I’m in uncharted territory, but in a good way, I think…

I’m trying to let my head rule my heart for once. I’m trying so hard not to be a lovesick puppy. But with each day passing it’s just getting harder and harder to use that rational side of my brain. What’s the most unreal about London and me is how alike we are in thoughts; so, if I know my end of things, how far along is he? Has he surpassed me? And if he has, would he forgive me for being a little slower about things? Guess we’ll see how it all falls in about a week. (Does anyone have a cure for acrobatic butterflies in the tummy? I’m seriously not sure how to tame them, and nothing I’ve tried seems to help!)

Well, that’s pretty much all that’s going on in my world right now… I’ve got something brewing in the family that I so want to just go off on, but after getting that out about London and all that jazz, I think I want to stew a couple of days and end on something positive. Probably best I get the whole story before I start something. (Like finding the spot to bury the body… Er, um, you didn’t read that…) Hope all is well in your little corner of the world, truly!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… I promised not to stay gone for long… HERE I AM!!

I feel like so much is going on… I’ve definitely been busy. I saw the Boots Lady in the kitchen this morning before I went to the Lake. She waltzes in and was like, “Who are you??” And then laughed at the joke! My schedule has been so crazy, I hardly have time to do more than eat and sleep. I’m not complaining; I really do enjoy my daily outings and just having a chance to mingle with people not in my family. (Not that I don’t love mi familia, but it’s nice to know people outside the circle of trust!) The lake season is ending at the end of the month and I hope that I don’t go crazy before April, when the new season begins and I get the chance to harass people again! Yes, you read correctly; next season. As far as my supervisor is concerned, I’m going to be on staff for next year. You have know idea how much that boosts my confidence. I’ve not really had much of a chance since my discharge from the military to show that I do work hard and, while I have a few interesting days with my back, I can be part of the team and hold my own. It makes me want to work even harder knowing that the boss and the big boss want me to come back next year. I feel valued and that I actually matter. Plus, I get to see just how dark my tan can get… I forgot to take pictures of how golden I got just in a month. I’m starting to fade since the sun is now in fall mode…

Had a not so fun day with the back today. I started having spasms around 1230-ish. Then, after I left the lake, I went to the library. As I was getting out of the car, I have one hell of a spasm hit me mid back. And I had another big spasm hit not more than 15 seconds after that one. Absolutely pissed me off!! Took me by surprise at the intensity and back-to-back combo. I had to walk rather slow to make sure I didn’t trigger anything else. Completely drained me of any energy I had at that moment. I keep having all these intense spasms and moments where I just have to stop what I’m doing because of intense bouts of pain. It can be scary some days. And I won’t even go into how some days I feel like I’m dragging my right foot… (I think I’m lifting my leg and foot, but then I feel a drag along the ground.) Yet, there isn’t a thing wrong with me and I’m imagining everything, all because I don’t have a strong core.

And now on to happier thoughts and events: London! Wow. I just don’t know how to explain it. You ever just click with someone immediately and you just know that they will be in your life for more than a day or two? And the funny thing is, we haven’t yet met in person! We’re Skyping and talking to one another over the phone whenever we can. During the day we IM like crazy. He’s been having a really stressful week this week and it’s killing me not being close enough to do anything to help it not be so stressful. I feel kind of guilty too; he stays up late just to be able to talk to me for a little bit. Makes me feel like I’m somebody important when he does. Especially with his crazy busy job! Every day that I get a chance to talk with him, or read an e-mail from him, or a text/IM, it’s like all’s right in the world. Some days it feels like I’ve known him all my life and like we’re just catching up when coming back from a trip. There’s a million other things, too, but I’m just going to enjoy and keep them to myself… A girl’s gotta keep some of her daydreams and thoughts to herself; it’s no fun sharing everything! (And if I’m dreaming all this up, leave me be… I’m really having such a wonderful time and would rather stay in the fantasy than come back to reality!)

Well, guess I best be skid-daddling… I keep nodding off and having some difficulties remembering where this train is going at the moment…

Have an awesome Friday and I’ll catch y’all in a couple of days!! Until then… CIAO!!

So, yeah… What day is this again?? Geez… I seem to be losing time and days again, but I think (ok… probably more like think) it’s all for the right reasons this time around. Hope everyone has been well and all is good in your neck of the woods…

The back is starting to show me just what it thinks of the job. Mostly been having good days, but it’s starting to have a bit of an increase to bad beginnings. It always seems to do that, my back. I had a check up with my primary care manager (PCM) last Wednesday. I was really excited about how my back is allowing me (even if only for the moment) to enjoy watching boats. And I told her (my PCM) that I was able to lower my pain med intake in half. (Though, I’ve had to go back to my original dose lately because the back just doesn’t like that lower dosage much…) It’s not like I’m not trying to be careful; it can be a pain in the arse (sometimes quite literally) if I’m careless. But I’m gaining the confidence in myself once more. Then yesterday came and the cane made a cameo on the beach again. Very frustrating. I’m feeling another round coming on, but I’m trying to be good and not overdo it. There’s so many things I want to do around the lake, but I also need to walk. Decisions, decisions…

Guess who I get to see this weekend?? (No, it’s not London…) Give ya a hint: he was my birthday present this year from my baby brother and his girl… Yep! The Stell Man!! And I get to spend all Friday with him; hope he doesn’t mind hanging with his auntie. Should be pretty interesting trying to get the hang of one another.

I’ve made a huge discovery in the last few weeks. One day at the beach, I was going through my phone and saw some old texts. I came across a conversation I had with my baby brother right after I broke up with The Guy. For the first time, I didn’t feel any attachments about the situation or to The Guy and The Kid. I mean, yes, it happened. But I don’t feel any burdens or entanglements like I’ve been agonizing over for the past year. I know I’ll always wonder how they are, but I finally feel as if I can pursue my destiny, whatever it is and wherever I may go, without them hanging in the wings. I never thought I’d get here… Maybe I’ve been here for a while and just not realized it. It’s kind of a nice feeling knowing I’m moving on because I’m ready to do so without any clouds hanging over me or whoever I move forward in life with.

And on to London, which I think helped me come to my realization about The Guy and The Kid… Okay, so I did the online thing and found a few prospects. Well, there’s only one and has been only one for some time now. No one has really caught my fancy anywhere near where London has. I’ll try not to sound like a lovesick puppy, but, wow. It’s been so incredible getting to know him. He’s super smart, knows how to make me laugh, and every conversation I have with him is just so organic. We may have a pause here and there, but that’s natural. And it doesn’t take long before some thought comes into the picture and we’re off to the races again! The more I get to know him, the more I’m certain that for once I’m doing it right: building a foundation for something more sustainable than just a passing cloud or moment. It scares me like no other, but it’s kind of exhilarating at the same time. I just know that I’m enjoying getting to know this beautiful person, inside and out.

The most amazing thing about it all is how alike we seem to be. It’s funny; on paper, we’re complete opposites. And I do mean COMPLETE OPPOSITES. He’s got a PhD in Laser Physics; I’ve only done 2 years of college and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up (if I ever do!). We’re from two completely different backgrounds. He’s a rebel; I’m the law (well, used to be -ish). However, we’re finding more similarities than humanly possible. It’s like we’re of one mind, yet there are enough differences to be our own, freethinking individual. It’s scary to think that there’s one of me in the world, but I’ve found another! He even gets just as animated as I do when he’s talking! (Are ya scared yet??) London and I keep joking about how we probably shouldn’t touch each other when we finally meet for the first time. There might be some cosmic anomaly that will either cause one (or both) of us, or even the planet, to disintegrate into oblivion. Or, maybe the universe! Guess we’ll see next month when he visits… (And does anyone have a cure for butterflies in the tummy? I can’t seem to shake them lately, especially when I talk to London or get a message of some sort from him… Weird…)

So that’s what’s going on in Jayme’s World lately… Not really much going on, but definitely some big steps and hurdles being taken. I guess I’ll never know if there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow if I never follow the rainbow, right? I’ll try not to be so long in between blogs; I make no guarantees with the schedule I’m keeping right now!

Well, I’ll let you go for now so you can get back to the more important things in life…

Until next time… CIAO!!