So, yeah... been really busy this last week and just haven't been keeping up! My wonderful back is being its usual self and really not liking all this traveling everywhere... Hopefully I can recover a little tonight and tomorrow 'cuz Tuesday I have to go to Kansas City. *sigh*

My future sis-in-law had her baby shower today. She and my brother live about an hour and a half away. Fun times! It was a good showing and some good gifts to get them started. Kyla's sis-in-law told a very interesting story about how she was told continuously through her ultrasounds she would have a girl. Come d-day, all the pink had to go back to the store; she had a boy!! It's still interesting that in this day and age, with technology so sensitive, that you still can't positively know the sex of a baby until they are born. Interesting... 12 more days and we'll know for sure if we have a Stellan or a Shelby!!

And that's the highlight of my weekend. I'm going to go heat up my bed buddies (microwavable heating pads, for all you pervs out there...) and probably pass out...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I'm beat!! I didn't sleep the best last night and between my nods, my back started doing its thang. My alarm came way too early after that... Shuffled to my primary care doc and she figured out a sort of schedule to follow for meds. And everyone keeps bringing up physical therapy. I try not to shut everyone down about it, but I can't seem to find nice ways to say no. Every time I've gone to physical therapy, whatever treatment is followed or presented has only exacerbates my situation.

Case in point: August 2008. The therapist said "you need a lift to compensate for the uneven hips." (Which is a characteristic of Scoliosis, mind you... And I've had a scan done on my legs that say that one leg is just a tenth of a centimeter longer than the other. That's not a big difference at all!) So I put the lift in my shoe. Two weeks later, I start experiencing pain in my hips. Something I really never experienced until then. I had to bump my med intake from an every few days regime to every night. A year later, I started taking two painkillers a night... And that doesn't even top the one therapist who thought that she could "fix" my Scoliosis. Now, if the Scoliosis had been caught upon first onset, exercises could very well help to make the effects bearable. Oh the fun I've had with physical therapy! I've tried so many exercises and treatments that at some point if it were to work, it would have. And the very real possibility of me still being in the military would exist.

The thing that upsets me the most is that the things that do work, the VA and mainstream doctors don't believe are viable and concrete options. Probably because they take the whole body into account and are holistic, making the bottom line unprofitable for them. Massage therapy. Chiropractics. Yoga. Meditation. Pilates. Every time I tell a doc what has worked, "You need more core stability." And Pilates is for sissies?? I mean, really, you can do two minutes of single leg kicks? I'd love to see a healthcare professional do Warrier 3 without breaking a sweat! But I don't know what I'm talking about; it's only my body. I've only been dealing with it my whole life, and for the past 9 years with this wonderful situation I'm currently experiencing...

The bone scan went well. The bed I had to be in had one of those gel mat things that made it rather comfortable. It was really cool to see the pretty pictures afterward. Looked good to me! lol

Well, I think I'm going to skedaddle... I'm thinking I should probably call it a day; it's definitely catching up with me!

Until next time... CIAO!!

So, yeah... Today was absolutely gorgeous! 70-degrees on March 1st! I took advantage of the sunshine and beautiful weather. I opened my window in my room and let the fresh air in and watched my cat get high from all the smells! (No kitty crack close by, I swear!) The dogs next door were barking and enjoying the weather too. Leo (my cat) tried to carry a conversation with them, though I'm not so sure the dogs could hear him... Since I'm about to have some crazy busy days the next few days, I took it easy and just enjoyed the sights, smells, and sounds of the day.

Tomorrow I have my bone scan. Yay... I get injected with a "liquid radiopharmaceutical" in my veins. I just love medical jargon. I find it interesting that I will be (lowly, very lowly) radioactive! (Have I told you I'm a bit odd? I find humour in so many things; life is way too short to be taken seriously.) Not really looking forward to being on my back for an hour or so for the scan. I feel truly blessed that my mom wants to be a part of my health care and doesn't mind being my chauffeur. It's not that I can't take myself to this appointment, it's just really hard on me to lay still on a stiff board for the pretty pictures. I have problems when x-rays require me to lay down on the table. Even though the x-ray is taken relatively quick, it takes a bit out of me and my back takes it harder. Think about it... Before I can even take the x-rays, I have to twist out of my clothes and put on one of those pretty hospital gowns. Then I have to walk, usually without my cane, to the actual area for the x-ray. Then I have to get on the table. Then the technician has to position me just so for the picture. After the x-ray is taken, I have to wait a bit to make sure it came out right. Then I can get up and walk back to the dressing room and get back into my street clothes. It may not seem like a whole lot to you, but to me, all the running back and forth, twisting in and out of clothes, and laying on a very hard surface for a few minutes, it really takes a lot out of me.

Well, today was day 12 of 49. The theme was "Sacred Wounds." I think the quote at the beginning sums it up best...

"What do sad people have in common? It seems they have all built a shrine to the past and often go there and do a strange wail and worship. What is the beginning of happiness? It is to stop being so religious like that." -Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky (Not a clue; just copying the quote as it is in the book...)

Basically it dealt with using past events that had a negative effect on you and instead of focusing on that hurt and negativity, focus on how it changed you for the positive. (I will be sharing a bit that I don't really dwell on or discuss, for the positives that came later far outweigh the bad of the situation.) I was molested by a family member when I was young (6). For a few years after, I struggled with dealing with the situation and what happened. When I was 10, I discovered acting. Through acting and performing, I become a very confident individual. I became outgoing. I started to enjoy visiting with the audience after the shows and had a blast entertaining. I discovered the healing properties of acting and it became my best form of therapy. I love to perform. I love the idea of being a part of this new world and being this other person. I love having the opportunity to get at least one person to forget the outside world and just get lost with me, with my character and the moment in time for that character. It's not just a job or performance to me. It's putting everything in my life aside and becoming someone else for the length of show. It's channeling that person, their views, their ideas, their thoughts. Through acting, I've found peace with the situation that brought me to it. I won't lie, I still have some issues that show up from time to time, but I try to remember I'm not that kid whose innocence was stolen. Thankfully, I've had a very few understanding gentlemen who have showed me a different side of things as well. (I sound like a slut; I'm really not! I stayed true to my values of abstinence and I'm very stingy who I share myself with.) Some individuals who go through the same events don't have the strength to overcome as I have. I'm just blessed to have had the support I have and an outlet in which to work through.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough for tonight...

Until next time... CIAO!!

So, yeah... I'm going to have to eat my words tonight. Took my trip down to Tulsa yesterday and, for once, everything fell into place!! I think a lot of had to do with my introduction: Hi, I'm Jayme. I called yesterday; I'm from Kansas... The chick's eyes kind of did one of those (HOLY CRAP) looks. And while I was waiting for my file to print, we chatted. She really isn't an idiot; just overwhelmed. (I mean, wow... small office and space, but requests everywhere and lots of other stuff!) I'm still exhausted and it keeps getting worse the longer I'm up. These bones just ain't made for day trips like that any more! But the plus side of it is that I have my records and X-rays from Oklahoma! I'm going to write a thank you note to the lady that helped me and even put a word in with the Patient Advocate there on a job well done. (I'm sure they only get to see veterans when they are disgruntled... which reminds me; I need to do that for my own Patient Advocate here in Topeka that helped me get my Scoliosis specialist!) Sometimes I don't mind being proved wrong, especially in the good array of life...

So, day 10 of my 49-day love journey dealt with "Releasing Toxic Ties." It basically calls for you to let go of those relations you have or had (either with family, friends, or loves) that can really block you from fully enjoying life by draining the life out of you (sometimes quite literally). It's definitely a different view when I was looking at some of the relations from my past. It's weird when you step aside and really look at your exchanges with people who have entered and exited your life. (Or some that have entered and refused to leave; the makings of a very toxic situation and energies wasted or drained...)

Day 11, today, was "Renegotiating Old Agreements," spoken or non. It takes a look at some of the "deals" you've done with someone and how some of those good intentioned deals could really be stopping you from realizing your full potential in love and life. Like one of those "If I'm not married or with anyone by xx years, let's get together" to your best girl/guy friend. Sometimes we have good intentions, like knowing that we have a backup plan takes the stress out of actually putting ourselves out there for our real other. Reality is, though, we are doing more damage by not freeing up that energy and good thoughts. It's rather thought provoking and interesting...

Well, that's pretty much it... I'm starting to have some difficulty keeping my eyes open...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Have I mentioned how much I really dislike the VA and their bureaucratic hoops?? I'm trying to get copies of my records from Oklahoma. I had sent a request through proper chains two and a half weeks ago. When I checked the mail today, I still didn't have anything. So I called to see what the hold up was... APPARENTLY you can't just mail your request in as I was told I could do. APPARENTLY sending in a form that states Individuals' Request for a copy of their own Health Information, along with a a cover letter stating why and who I was isn't enough to get my records. I was told today that "we can't do that because we can't verify that the request was done by the veteran." I'm sorry, how many frickin' people in the world are going to have the name "Jayme Perez-Flint" and actually happily answer questions that are military related flawlessly??? (Oh, not to mention correctly spelling my name. Whenever I give my name to someone who needs to look me up in their systems, my first reaction after just saying my first name is to spell it. Then my last name, c'mon... It ain't exactly "Smith"!) I mean, I'm sure everyone could do a search and find the exact dates of my service times, my social, the facilities in which I was treated in along with the exact dates I was treated, on top of using such a padded request line that I've only really seen used in the military... SERIOUSLY?!?! And people wonder why there are so many disgruntled veterans with the VA.

So, guess what I will be doing tomorrow... I'm taking a 4 hour trip down to Tulsa, OK, to get my records. I'm not leaving Oklahoma without them, no matter what kind of bs comes out of the VA's mouth. If I get the frickin' runaround again, I'm going straight to the patient advocate, and if they can't help me, I'm hunting down the dude (or dudette) in charge. I even told the lady I talked to that I was requesting my records to include the x-rays: 1)for my records and 2) as a comparison for my doctors outside the VA. Oh, but "if it's a doctor, we can fax that information to them." Ah, I don't think they understood my request... I don't just want the reports, I want a copy of the x-rays! While I always felt I got the care I needed at the Tulsa VA, the business side of things always gave me the runaround, like I'm some bloody bimbo who don't know squat. I want to scream at them that there is a reason I was in Military Intelligence for a reason!! (Okay, I know, it's an oxymoron, but still, you had to have some pretty good smarts to be there... Though you had those few where you wondered...)

In other news, I'm working on week 2 of my book. Weeks 2 and 3 deal with letting go of the past and past hurts to open yourself to possibilities. Yesterday dealt with losses and what you gained from it, even though at the time it felt like you'd never get past it. Today was centered around resentment. I had a bit of trouble with today's assignment... I try really hard to just let things go and learn from those experiences.

I was married once upon a time and while I was the one to initiate the end, when I signed on that that final line, it still hurt. I mean, I had 2 miscarriages and both times the ex was relieved I wasn't pregnant. Along with telling me my brothers were old enough to take care of themselves and that they didn't need their bigger sister anymore. (Not exactly the best thing to say just a couple of months after my brothers and I lost our father... My younger brother, Clifton, was stationed in England too and had just returned from his deployment and wanted family around. The ex didn't like the idea one bit, even though it was my brother asking for me for a visit...) About a year ago, I found out he had a daughter with the chick he's with now. Did that hurt? Hell yeah! It still does. I mean, I'm happy that he has someone that he feels comfortable enough to do that with now. And truly, the ex really does deserve some happiness. He's not a bad guy, otherwise, I would have never been with him.

When things between The Guy and I seemed to be getting pretty solid and serious, I wrote a letter to the ex. I went through all the things that I felt hurt by, especially with his recent daddy-hood. I ain't afraid to say that I actually cried quite a bit when I was writing it. After I felt I had gotten everything out, I tore it up and threw it in the trash. The weight I felt I had been carrying for 4 years just lifted from my shoulders. And it's funny because a further project the author suggested for today was to do that! (Well, her suggestion was to either send it to the person, burn it, or tear it up.)

Well, I guess I'll let you go for now... I best be headed to bed; such an early morning tomorrow!! (Especially if I want to get some Yoga in before my day trip...)

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... All I gotta say: ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!! It was a nail biter throughout, even though I was about to disown them halfway through the 2nd half. They had almost a 20 point deficit and were playing like crap! (Almost as bad as their football team...) Then they just got a confidence boost and a game was born! lol

I did a bad thing today; I stepped on a scale. Let's just say that I really need to work on that... I'm going to need to be a little more conscious of what I'm eating. *sigh* I've never really worried much about my weight, especially growing up. I've always had a fast metabolism so I've always eaten whatever I wanted. And I've always been super active. I've noticed over the last couple of years that if I can stay in between 120-125, my back doesn't protest too much. Back in September, I had gotten down to the weight I was when I arrived at my first duty station. Since about October, I just haven't really cared. Today snapped me back to reality... I just need to lose about 15 pounds. That's easy. And as long as the weather is nice, I believe I will try to start walking in the afternoons. Just little adjustments, nothing big.

Today was the end of week one in my book. The topic was making room, literally and figuratively, for your one. The author (Ms. Katherine) relayed a story that happened a few years ago. She spoke with a gentleman who had just gotten engaged. She asked him a little bit about the work he did to prepare for his one. The guy said he cleaned out his closet and dresser draws and made room in preparation. He also gave up his list of "the one" and was pleasantly surprised at the gift he received when he did. So, today's meditation and focus was about how to prepare not only you, but your physical space to be able to accept what is to come. Very interesting really...

Tomorrow I start in on week 2 of my book. It deals with Completions, so this coming week could be rather interesting...

Well, guess that's all for today... I'll let you get back to the more important things in life!

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... This week has not been kind at all to my back! I've not been able to do any Yoga, as I wake up with spasms. More, I've just not found any relief this week. It's insane. I usually have a few days break in between fun times, but apparently that memo was lost somewhere this week. I've been up and about this week, but it seemed to just not make things that great. Could be the weather, or lack there of, or since it can't make up its mind if it's spring or winter... I've been double dosing this week and there were a couple of days where I was even considering a 3rd round. I decided against it; I just don't want to end up a statistic. (And with a few high profile celebrities unfortunate passings due to accidental (ok, one was definitely from some DA ignoring his oath as a doc) ODs, I really don't want to press my luck!) I did make an appointment with my primary doc for next week, so hopefully we can get a different regimen going or shake things up every so often with something different...

In other news, I'm on day 6 of the 49-day book I've been reading. Today's thought had focus on soul mates. There was a quote in one of the margins that kind of struck me:

Soulful marriages are often odd on the surface. -Thomas Moore

And it's kind of true, y'know? Think about it... Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz (ok, they divorced, but you could still see the adoration they had for each other even after). Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. (I mean, c'mon, sure, she's a spitfire, but you really wouldn't pick them to still be together after so much crap Ozzy did.) Seal and Heidi Klum. (Again, divorce, but who would have ever thought they'd get together, let alone marry and have kidlets?) And my absolute favorite, Iman and David Bowie. (And wow; she's still absolutely gorgeous!) The main theme from all is how strange their unions seemed; two people that just seemed total and complete opposites. I think that's the point of today's lesson for me; sometimes opposites really do attract and can live in harmony.

Today's mediation focused on letting go of that list you have for "the one" and trusting more on your feelings of how you imagine that relationship to be. It's a different way of thinking. Instead of focusing on tall, dark and handsome, the focus is brought more to feeling that union of oneness, that feeling of being complete and safe. Sure, sometimes having a must have list can come to 100% fruition. However, if you put blinders on and only look at your list, you could so easily skip over your partner, "the one," to spend your always with! That said, don't lower your standards, wishes, wants, or ideas of your one; that could turn into a whole other mess that was never intended to happen!

Well, I think that's it for today... my pillow keeps calling me... must... resist...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... fun times today... The back just isn't wanting to cooperate today. Been having some bad spasms and twinges, not to mention a good increase in pain. I took some meds right around the time the back started but haven't really found much relief. I'll be taking another round shortly and hope that it will help a little. Yay me! *sigh*

I'm on day 4 in that book, Calling In "The One." This first week is about trying to prepare you to embrace love. Today's activity dealt with setting a firm foundation and not fearing love. I was asked to choose a few words and make an affirmation about them individually. The first word to pop out was Courage. And the sentence that I meditated with it on: I have the courage to love and be loved. It sounds rather simplistic, but it was the first thing I thought of when I saw courage. To me, it means opening my heart fully, forgetting the hurts of the past, and just embracing love completely.

It's not that I can't love or don't want love in my life; I've just never been ready to fully accept it, taking it at face value and accepting it. I was always under the impression that I didn't need or want love; what was so special about it? Cupid never really hit me with his arrow so I never really let anyone too close to let me know what love is. Don't get me wrong; I was married once a lifetime ago. And I've had a handful of relationships where there was love (in varying degrees and capacities). But I've never accepted it as a concept that could really work in my life. I think it's why it's so hard for me to completely let go of The Guy and The Kid. I was starting to see what accepting love into my life could mean. Truth be told, it scared the crap out of me. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I split; I wasn't ready to fully embrace what was offered to me so freely.

I've been afraid to fully accept love as love. So when I say I have the courage to love and be loved, I'm finally ready to change my previous preconception of what to expect and accept. It's kind of stuck in my head all day long; I even wrote it on a sticky note and have it in a spot where I can see it all the time. A reminder of this other journey that I've started...

Hmm... so, yeah, that's about it today. With my back playing fun, I didn't do anything. (Definitely feeling a bum today...) Well, I'll let you get back to the more important things in life...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... It's Tuesday! Well, at least it sounded better in my head... Not too much going on today. I really and truly have no life!

I took the Boots Lady to get her Protime done today. (For those who don't know what that is, count yourself blessed with health! Boots had a minor stroke back in 2008. She takes a blood thinner to help reduce her risk of another stroke. About once a month, she has to go have lab work done on her blood to make sure it's the right consistency and if any adjustment needs to be done to her meds.) She's perfect today! We ran a couple of other errands afterward and then headed home. We got to talking about spring and daylight savings time on our way home. Five minutes later, the woman comes out with "Y'know, in a month it'll be 4:20..." (Mind you, the time was 3:20.) It was out of nowhere! Maybe ya had to be there... Honestly, though, for the woman being 10 years less than a century old, she's still sharp as a whip! I can only hope and pray that if/when I reach her age, I'm at least half as formidable. I'm so glad she moved up here from Oklahoma last year. Her docs (both primary and heart) have given her a clean bill of health; she doesn't have to see her heart doc for a year and her primary in 6 mos intervals. A far cry from her previous docs, ones that insisted that she needed to have the vitals of a woman half her age and appoints a minimum of once a month. I like Boots Lady's docs up here. They do take in account that she's 90 and that she isn't going to be 100% on text or the perfect patient. They're actually rather impressed at how cognitive and mobile she is for her age!

As for my back today... it's still doing its own thing. Been having a bit of spasm fun today. Thankfully Boots and I didn't have to go to too many places today. I'm feeling a little weak in my legs lately too. I don't really know how to explain it. I felt it a bit today. And my feet are becoming a bit more pigeon-toed the last few times I've been out of the house. It's a bit puzzling for me... It kind of infuriates me that some of the docs I see seem to think that my symptoms and problems I continue to experience are made up and unfounded. Oh well. Maybe when I'm immobile and unable to care for myself the mysteries my body continue to hide will finally be solved. I'm just so tired of the pain and spasms. I try to keep positive, as I know my situation could be so much worse, but when will it end? When I can get back out in life and enjoy the wonders of the world?

What else... not really anything. I have no life. Guess I'll let you get back to yours...

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... fun times in the neighborhood! I've not really been doing much since my last entry... Been trying to recover a bit from Friday and Saturday. It may seem like a complete joke, but if things keep going the way they are, I may have to give up driving. You wouldn't think that driving would have such an impact on your back, but think about it... When you back up, what move must you do to ensure that you don't hit anyone or anything behind you? And when you change lanes, it's a good idea to check your blind spots, but what do you have to do in order to do that? Twisting hurts. I even lifted my butt up and tried to angle myself so I could back out. Only ended up hurting myself a bit more.

Then Saturday, I went out with my mom and the Boots Lady (aka: Nani, my grandmother). We don't even hit the first store before I feel the spasms in my lower back. After a couple minutes, I was okay, or so I thought. Then we went to Kohls to see what kind of deals we could get. My mom and I needed a new bra or two so we hit the lingerie section. (And, you know, for being average for once, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack!) So, not only am I stooping/kneeling trying to find something to try on, I'm twisting and turning trying them on. The pissy thing about it all is I couldn't find something I really liked... If I had, it would have been worth all the contorting and stuff.

The thing that really bothers me about the whole thing is how my 90-years-young grandmother can move better than me! (And after having a minor stroke back in 2008 too...) And I hate being petty, but what the crap? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? But, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me... Right... Maybe I need to take the lady with me when I go see the ortho doc. Then ask him to explain it.

Hmmm... what else... Oh, I have started that book, Calling in "The One". It's pretty interesting. I've got the first two days down; 47 to go... I didn't do any Yoga or anything this weekend or today; I'm just being lazy today. It's all rainy and dreary out today; it's hard to get the motivation to do something productive. That's about it for today... guess I'll go find something to get into...

Until next time... CIAO!