So, yeah... Funny story... I've been doing pretty decent this week and have been doing Yoga/Yogalates in hopes of finding some stability (literally and figuratively) with my back. Started Saturday with some P90X Yoga. Then followed the next 2 days with Yogalates. Took Tuesday and Wednesday off, but then did Yogalates today. Here's the funny part... When I finally woke up, I went into the kitchen for a piece of fruit to get a little energy before I worked out. I'm standing at the kitchen sink chowing down on my banana and out of nowhere I get this intense, sharp pain going up my spine, on my right side, where the curve is. (Glad that my banana wasn't peeled yet.) So either my body doesn't like that I'm taking charge, or it didn't like the days off. The great thing about my work out today was I had a few follow up pains and spasms. While I was working out. It's great to be me, don't ya think?

That's about all my news here for the day... I really don't do anything anymore to blog here as I was a couple of months ago. I am trying to look for a job. Even if I'm not sure or certain of my capabilities and how I will be able to sustain and maintain an acceptable range of duties. Not really worried about that at the moment; just gotta get something going because I'm tired of sitting on my arse all day and not getting anything accomplished.

And, yeah, guess what! Two days left before my birthday! I've been doing my traditional countdown with my mom... "The lady doth protests too much..." but she wouldn't want it any other way. I know she's secretly enjoying my countdown. But I can't believe that I'm getting ready to hit another decade!! 30... wow. I'm excited to be honest. My 20s kind of sucked a bit. Finding a career; getting that yanked. Thought I'd found my prince a couple of times, and actually walked the full plank on one! The other, well... we'll just leave it at that. Lost two of the greatest men in this world too close together. My back slowly declining... Hmmm...

On the bright side, though, I have some positives. I finally have the sisters I've always wanted. (Maybe I need see if they can pick out a good guy for me?) I have 3 nephews to help corrupt, even if one is living a bit a ways from me. And it seems that some of the unfortunate has made my family a little closer to one another. I get to spend a little extra time with my 90-years-young grandmother and enjoy her pearls of wisdom. (One of which includes: A hotdog isn't a hotdog unless it's on a hotdog bun.) And my mom and I have grown a little closer over this last year.

So while I'll continue to moan and groan about the bad stuff, I do really know how blessed I am to be where I am, even if I'd rather be somewhere else. So, 30, HERE I COME!!!

I believe that's it for now... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Sorry I went all Dreary Drew on you the other day. I try really hard to stay positive and in positivity; some days are just harder than others.

Well, nothing really going on right now. Back's still there, still doing its own thang. My cat seems to be hanging around me a little more than usual. Then again, I've been having a pretty good increase in spasms, so it's kind of nice having him around. And who wouldn't want this pretty face hanging around you?

I'd like to take just a few moments to tell ya about this crazy cat... As you know, I'm a disAbled vet. I've always been an animal lover. One of the reasons I have Leo is for the therapeutic aspects that come from our companionship. He loves keeping me on my toes and enjoys causing a little chaos from time to time, with or (more) without me. Next month will be his 3rd anniversary of entering my life. In January, he'll turn 5. The best thing about him, though, is how he's gotten me to be okay with not being in the military...

Since my back started doing its own thing back in 2003, it's not easy for me to get up of my own accord, most especially with the medication I take. Sometimes the pain is so intense, the spasms so sharp, that I just don't want to get out of bed. When I lived in Hawaii and in England, I had a critter or two in cat form to help with that lack of motivation. It's easy to just roll back over after the alarm when it's just myself; not so easy with a 10-15 pound cat pouncing onto your chest, licking your face, and meowing as loud as possible in your ear.

One of the reasons why I decided to live in the apartments I did in Tulsa was because the landlord allowed animals. When my back started getting a little tricky, I decided it was time to get a little encouragement. I debated between a dog or cat for a couple of weeks. I had started to lean towards a small dog because I knew I'd have to get up and off my tuff a few times a day, forcing me to also get the benefits of some exercise along with it. The manager of the complex caught me one day a couple of weeks after I got the go-ahead to add a critter to my lease. Tyler asked me how my search was going. Told her I just hadn't really made my mind up yet. Then she asked me if I wanted a free cat. There was a tenant that had moved in a week or two prior and that lease was not animal included. I asked if there would be a way I could see the cat before I really made my decision. Needless to say Leo the Cat stole my heart and hasn't given it back!

When I finally had full custody of Leo, the manager was relieved... Apparently Leo's previous owner would leave him for a few days at a time and not have anyone check in on him. Tyler said that every time she knew that the chick would be out, she'd check on him. Leo took to me quickly when he came to live with me, though he is quite skiddish around other still today. I've taught him it's okay to be a cat. It took me a couple months before he would let me pick him up and carry him around. Then I taught him how to get up on my shoulders. After about 6 months of slow steps with that last bit, he now believes it's his right to be up there, no matter what I'm doing! (Maybe I shouldn't have taught him that... hindsight, eh?) And at the beginning of this year, we crossed another threshold: he turned over on his back to let me pet his tummy! I almost cried when he did it; I finally feel he trusts me implicitly. Not bad for almost 3 years...

But as much as I've taught him, he's taught me so much more. Before I met Leo, I was having a major problem with my discharge from the military. It's tough being so young and having a career you thought was a sure bet just be yanked from you quicker than anything. I'm sure I've said it before, so good chance you're not experiencing deju vu: the military prepares you for the military life, not a civilian life. The military, VA, and everyone thinks it's an easy breezy thing to forget your training and just be a civilian. For some, sure, it's as easy as breathing. For others, like myself, it's incredibly difficult. And in my situation, I have a daily reminder of what I had, did, and no longer am capable of doing. I know my momma loves me, but one day she made a comment that kind of sucker-punched me. She told me I needed to forget the military and let it go. In theory, it's not good to hold on to something for too long like that. But it's hard for me because every day I have this constant reminder called pain, spasms and a broken body that just won't let me forget overnight.

This is where Leo comes in to save the day... He doesn't care about BDUs. He doesn't care about Blues. He doesn't care if I once had to walk 60+steps up to work or that I worked under a pineapple field. He doesn't care that I got screwed out of making Staff Sergeant the first time. Or that I know Morse code and way too much about how computers talk to one another. At the end of the day, all he cares about is having a tummy rub, food in his belly, and a shoulder to lay on. All he sees is me, his people mom. It's crazy the bond that he and I have formed over the last couple of years. He's helped me ease the hurt and pain from my discharge. So I don't have him just to have a critter. The therapeutic aspect has been overwhelming and beyond what I ever thought possible. Now if I could just get him to walk on a leash, I'll be happy!

Well, I've rambled enough for tonight. I'm about to konk out... Have a magnificent weekend!!

Until next time... CIAO!!!

So, yeah... I had the pleasure of my 2.5 month old nephew visiting this weekend. My momma sure is enjoying her grandmother status, especially with the Stell man an hour and a half away. If my other nephews were closer, they'd be spoilt like you wouldn't believe!! I really do enjoy being Auntie Jay!

Not really a whole lot else going on... Got slapped with a lawsuit Friday. Apparently getting my car repossessed for being broke wasn't enough. I still owe almost half of what was left on the loan when it was repossessed, after it went to auction! That's going to be fun. As if I'm not already stressed enough at not being able to take care of my financial obligations as it is, and the constant reminder of why I have that stress, I have one more thing to add to my "REALLY?!?" files. Yay me... I guess I'm just going to have to injure myself further by finding a job that I know I can't handle in order to get everyone to shut the heck up and leave me alone. At least if I have to run around in a wheelchair from my body just not able to handle the stresses of work, I should be able to get 20% disability from the VA. If I'm lucky. I think I'd have to die in order to get that to happen...

I don't usually go into religion or philosophy here, as I believe that everyone has their own beliefs and journeys to get where they need to be to form their own opinions on life and after. It's that whole belief of freewill and knowing that my journey is not like yours or anyone else's. Tonight, though, I just need a space to put down some thoughts. One thing I hope you know is that I'm not forcing my beliefs upon you. If you feel I am, then all you gotta do is exit from this blog. But I hope you stay long enough to finish and gain a little more insight into me and can respect our differences.

I feel I should probably start in about some of what I believe so that perhaps the next little bit can be in context. My journey has led me to be mostly inline with Christianity, of the Assembly of God kind. And, yes, I'm a Holy roller; I was given the gift of speaking in tongues at age 13. (Scared the crap out of me when it happened, though I knew what was happening!) And this might sound a little strange, but when I was younger, I asked God if I could be a Silent Witness for Him. I kind of want to punch those guys that scream at you those fire and brimstone, "you're going to Hell!" -type speeches. How do you expect to gain anyone's faith like that? I try hard to maintain a Christ-like life and actions. I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. He must agree; I couldn't tell you about all the conversations I've had!

I've never doubted God or His plan for me, but lately I've been asking the one question that I never ask: Why me? When I was in Tech school for the Air Force, I never asked, "Why can not get this stupid Morse code? Why can't I remember the differences between di-dah and dah-dit?" I always figured there was a reason, and that Someone needed me there for whatever. It wasn't until about 9 months after I left the wonderful world of Code that I got a bit of a glimpse as to why. Made all the b.s. I went through and length of time on station a little easier to digest. When I was medically discharged from the Air Force, I figured my time there was over because I had served whatever purpose He needed me there. A year later, when my Dadi was finally diagnosed with cancer I realized part of the reason why my discharge happened. But now? What the crap? What's the purpose? Why am I going through all this crap? Why now? Why am I here? What is the point? Where does it end? Why??

Funny story of why I try hard not to ask "Why?" of God... I was a Girl Scout many a moons ago. I loved our troop leader; she brought a lot to the table as a leader and as a person. One day, when she told us about her newest addition to the family growing in her tummy, she made a joke that's stuck with me to this day. She joked that every time she asked God for patience, she got pregnant! So I learned early on that I really didn't want to ask questions or for anything that I wasn't willing or prepared to have answered. Along my journey of life, many people I've encountered along the way have asked the why question and their response to His answer overwhelms them. In nine years, I've come close to asking, but just never feel I have the right or that I need to do that. He's always provided for me, always pointed (pushed most times) me in the right direction. Friday just sent me over the top. Some days I feel as if the rope I'm holding on keeps getting shorter and shorter. I feel like my grip is getting weak. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on...

*sigh* I know that I really have nothing to complain about; I'm still alive and very much in control of my faculties. I'm still somewhat bright, just not as fast as I used to be. I can still walk, no matter how slow the steps are. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. (Even if my Latina curves are coming back out!!) I'm able to keep my cat, Leo, with me. (THANKS MOMI!!! You have no idea how much I really do appreciate you for that!!) I really have nothing to complain about. I know there are more out there with way more problems than I. Some days I just have to vent. Some days just getting it out helps the load not feel so heavy.

Well, I better stop gabbing and get this posted. If you pray, please remember me. I don't know what to ask for, so just a "...and please help Jayme keep her sanity..." will be quite useful...

Until next time... CIAO!!

So... yeah... Nothing new in this neighborhood. Back's still doing its thang. Did some P90X Yoga today; still deciding if that was a smart move. I feel I got the challenge I've been looking for, that's for sure...

Well, since I don't have anything of value to write tonight, I'll give ya a thought to carry you through until I get some inspiration. I have a few ideas rolling around my head right now, but I'm too tired to try to make them make much sense. Okay... here's your thought...

"Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect." ~Patrick Rothfuss

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I know I've been MIA for a little while. There's really not much going on right now. I did get to spend some time with my little nephew this past weekend (Saturday to Tuesday!); that was an experience!! I know babies are work, especially when they just don't know what they want... It was fun trying to figure it out! hehe

Last week, I did request a change in my primary care. After the fiasco on Tuesday, the hell I'm going to stay with a doctor who doesn't listen or believes me when I say I'm in constant pain. I know that some people quickly jump to the conclusion I'm acting like I'm hurt when I'm really not. Yes, my ultimate passion is to act, but on the stage, not in real life. My major that I really want to pursue is Theatre, with emphasis on performance. If I'm guilty of using my craft, it's for acting like there's nothing bothering me when in fact all I want to do is cry and withdraw from the world around me. I use my craft to put on a brave face so that no one can really tell the true extent this disability is taking and has taken on me. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to put that brave face on. And maybe that's my downfall. Perhaps because I don't act like it bothers me no one can really believe me when I tell them the extent of pain I'm always in...

Moving on to something similarly associated... Not sure how big it's getting, but yesterday, one of the TV stations here was attacked by a veteran. Apparently the guy had visited the station earlier in the day wanting the station to cover a story about the VA and meds. (Hmm...) He came back later and all hell broke loose. The guy forced his way into the building, fought with several of the male employees, and ended up stabbing two of the station's workers.

Today on the broadcasts of this event and the after, the veteran turned out to be homeless. There are several shelters and other avenues to help those who are a bit down on their luck around Topeka. However, the veteran's most recent trip to one shelter was very short due to the veteran's attitude and violent behaviour. This was just last month.

It seems to me that every day there is some report on veterans and "their problems." Most civilians say, "Oh... They have the VA. I don't know why they are complaining." And therein lies the problem; people just assume that veterans get the help that they deserve and that they paid for with their service. As many of you who stumble upon my experiences here, you're seeing just a small window of what I go through. What I hope you realize is that there is a huge problem in the VA system.

The US is one of only a few countries that has an all volunteer military. The numbers that are active duty are somewhat suffice in line with our needs as a nation. The military, regardless of branch, prepares you to be a military personnel to serve the needs of the nation and/or branch. Some people end up loving it and stay for "life." (I mean, 20 years in the military and you have a nice retirement plan and plenty of time to start another career. Who wouldn't love that?) But there are so many others that get out after one or two terms. That's only the beginning of the problem. The military prepares you for the military, not the civilian world. Oh, they say there's week's long class to help with the transition, but there is no manual to help you adjust to your new way of life.

Now, granted, I know there are plenty of veterans who transition smoothly with no problems. But you never really hear about them and how well adjusted to the civilian life they are. You always hear these stories about someone who was in conflict and go crazy in the civilian sector. Just like what happened yesterday. You know the funny/ironic thing about yesterday's attack? There were 3 other veterans in the mix of people that were trying to subdue the "crazy" veteran. One served in Vietnam as a SEAL. So, yesterday, 1 in 4 veterans has had a time adjusting to civilian life. And while that is a relatively small sample of the problem, if you think of it like 100 in 400... there's potential of a huge problem.

The most frustrating thing about being a veteran is having to deal with the VA and the broken system. I'm only rated as 10% disabled, yet I can't work nor can I go to school due to the physical strain it causes my body to go through. I've walked with a cane daily since July 2010. I've sloughed off a whole year of school because going to classes took too much of a toll on my body. Yet, I'm only 10% disabled.

Here's a more classic example to give you... I have a friend whose husband has some really bad PTSD. Within the last 9-10 months, it's taken a dramatic toll on her, her daughter, and the relations as a family. He's a documented PTSD veteran. Yet, when he stopped taking his meds, not only did the PTSD kick in, so did some schizophrenia. Not exactly a good combination. He's threatened suicide numerous times. It was about January/February this year that my friend broke and called the VA for help. The soonest the VA could get him checked into the psych ward was 3-6 months!! Did I mention that one morning my friend woke up to her husband with a gun in hand because "there were unauthorized people in his house"? (It was just my friend, her daughter, and the husband...) Sometimes a veteran's devils doesn't just hurt the veteran.

The VA is an over-worked system around this great nation of ours. When Congress votes for cuts to the VA's budget, they aren't just hurting the veterans; families are torn apart because of the bureaucratic bull that the Congress ties around the little funding that they so "generously" give to the veterans. So many civilians believe that the VA is over funded and can't understand why veteran's problems can't have a band-aid to cover their boo-boos. Yesterday's incident at the station proves that it's not just a flesh wound (so to speak) that can be fixed with just a covering. There are so many hoops and red tape to go through to even get the basic care. And it's sad that it takes incidents like yesterday before a veteran can even be considered for the care they so desperately need and require.

Sorry I'm just rambling/ranting... It's just sad the length a veteran has to go through to get the benefits that they fought for on behalf of the US of A. Yes, we have some really good ones thanks to the vets from Vietnam and Korea. I won't complain about that. What I do complain about is all the hoops you have to jump through to get them. It's irritating that those veterans that have issues stemming from a discharge are unable to get the help they deserve because they don't fit the right criteria, mostly set forth by our wonderful Senators and Representatives.

One last thought... I spent about 3 years down in Tulsa, OK. About a year before I left, there was a judge who started a veteran's court. The pilot program dealt with veteran offenders solely. Most of the cases dealt around drinking alcohol and the aftermath (DUIs, DWIs, etc.). The courts gave more options for the veterans than just the hard time serve attitude. Much of the time, those offenders received the care and help they need instead of the key turning in the door. It was an amazing program that seemed to finally get through to the veterans. The program worked so well that there were other areas with a heavy veteran populace that were considering taking this template for themselves.

Okay... I think that's enough for tonight... Hope y'all have an awesome FRIDAY!! Have a fun and safe Memorial Day as well!! AND DON'T FORGET TO THANK A VETERAN!!! (You never know just how much that can mean to them.)

Well, until next time... CIAO!!

So, yeah... Have I mentioned my disdain for the VA lately? Well, if I haven't, I'm so sick of the runaround!! Holy piss ant!

Now, I've been dealing with my back and all the fun it is for 9 years now. I've been on a medicinal therapy for 6.5 years. My medication regime started out with one painkiller, one muscle relaxer, and one arthritis anti-inflammatory. I started out taking that once every few days. Slowly, over the last 6.5 years, I have had to up my regime to two painkillers (everything else the same) twice a day. My doctor down in Tulsa was a little concerned, but considering the gradual physical toll my condition is taking on me, told me that as long as I didn't take 4mg of acetaminophen (I take Tylenol 3), I was in acceptable limits. I've explained this several times with my current doctor since August of last year. I'm still only prescribed 1 painkiller every 6 hours. At the moment I'm only taking 4 painkillers a day; totally acceptable on the premise of 1 every 6 hours in a day.

I'm usually rather good about staying on top of my quantity of pills and reordering them within 10-14 days before I actually run out. Unfortunately, I didn't do so well this last month and ran out completely on Sunday. No biggie; I can call my doc and usually get a few days dispensed while I wait on the prescription to arrive in the mail. I called my doc yesterday and explained the situation. My nurse said that I should be able to call the pharmacy for a refill since the prescription was current. I called the refill line and went through the riggamaroo to order. Then the recording ended "...should be mailed in about 7 days." 7 days?? I'm out NOW! So I called my nurse back. We ended up playing phone tag until this afternoon. Found out that my doc wasn't going to have any fillers and that I would have to wait for the mail. SERIOUSLY???

So, what is a veteran in pain to do? I drove to the VA, tried to see the Patient Advocate. She wasn't in. I went back to my car and called her, leaving a message. Then I called a friend to ask for advice... The one question she asked me stuck with me a bit... Why was I being refused a filler? After I hung up with her, I decided to piss some people off and go to the clinic and find out...

Now, mind you, I goofed by waiting too long before a refill. I'm just a bit more scattered brain this month than usual. I wasn't really keeping track like normal. And I went to the clinic without an appointment. However, I am a service-connected disabled veteran and do have a slight priority over veterans who do not have a service-connected disability. I only wanted to know why the heck I couldn't get a filler. That's all I wanted. I wasn't looking to accosted for being an air head. My doc comes in all pissy towards me, lecturing me on how to stay up with my medication and to not be in this position. (Ya think?? I am former military intelligence; pretty sure there's a good reason why I was in that field...) I spoke up about how I just wasn't understanding why I couldn't have a filler to get me by so that I wasn't in so much pain. She rushed out that she was giving me T4 as a filler and then lecturing me on how to take it. She told me, still in a very pissy tone, how she couldn't fill my usual T3 b/c it would void out my prescription completely. Which was all I wanted to know to begin with. But man, she was laying in me like I was some baffoon who didn't have a brain to do much other than to eat, shite, and sleep.

Tomorrow will be fun. I'm requesting a new doctor. I can understand to a degree why my current doc would be a little pissy at me, but she didn't have to make me feel like I was in the wrong for taking charge of my medical care. I can't help it that I've been taking a narcotic for 9 years, more controlled for 6.5 years. I can't help it if I've been dealing with my back a bit longer than she has and know how much my body can take and not take. Last month and definitely today cemented that my current doc isn't paying attention to anything I tell her when it comes to my medication. I know she can be a good doc, and I can understand her frustration with all the rules and regulations that she has to put up with in order to help a patient. But I refuse to be treated like I was today. That is just not a fun time at all. No wonder the VA and Social Security think there's nothing wrong with me; she's not listening to me!!

That was my day... How was yours? Hope you had a way better day!!

I guess I should sign off now; I'm really sleepy... Until next time... CIAO!!

So, yeah... I know it's been a bit. Nothing really going on and I'd rather be in bed at the moment, but have a rather heavy heart...

One of the questions that you are constantly asked in the military is where is "home." My response has always been, "I'm an Okie from Kansas, the state, not the town." (For you non-Okies: there really is a town in Oklahoma called Kansas...) That always livens a conversation. I can't tell ya how many people started calling me "Dorothy" and thought it was the funniest thing! But what in the heck am I talking about, right? Well, I grew up for much of my life in a small town called Pawhuska in Oklahoma. Then I moved to Oklahoma City for grades 7 through 11.5. In the middle of my Junior year, my mom, my baby brother, and I moved to Kansas to be with the Old Man. (That's a story for another time...) So I spent the last year and a half in a small town called Onaga, Kansas, asking myself continuously if I had any kind of sanity. Most people there have no clue as to who I am, unless I'm with my brothers or mom. I was once asked, "When do you graduate?" whilst I was with my brother who had just graduated. When I said 2001, their jaw dropped a little, but then they started asking more questions directed towards my brother. Kind of a bit of an awkward moment...

I've always felt like I never really had a place to call my home. Yet, every time I think of Onaga, or talk about it, I have a peace about the place that I never really have had with any of the other places I've lived growing up. I was given so many opportunities that I never had when I was in Oklahoma City. I was able to get involved with the school in ways I had always wanted. My greatest accomplishment, at least to me, came my senior year.

During that last Spring Break, two underclassmen were in a terrible accident. Neither survived. The town was ripped to its very core. The light, the laughter, and the breath of the town was extinguished.

One thing you should probably know about this small little town is how it really is a community in every sense of the word. It's one of those towns you see on the TV and think "There's no way that still happens or exists." It's one of those towns that could easily be compared to Mayberry. Everyone knows everyone and it's not unusual to just drop in on someone during dinner and an extra plate added to the table. It's one of those towns where people still care about one another, no matter how much you try to act like you don't.

When Samantha and Jennifer where taken from us, words cannot describe what came next. They were both memorialized in services and buried during that week off of school. Then the Monday after break came around and the anxiety buzzed about. The soul was ripped out of the school. It was so quiet in the halls, the classrooms, you could have heard a pin drop.

But then another blow was dealt a couple days later: there was not to be a memorial in the yearbook for them. The school's superintendent and other entities had ruled that "it could push a person who is contemplating suicide over the edge if they knew they would be memorialized." I should also state that my senior year brought in a new superintendent along with a new principal who had never been in a community like Onaga. And, they had never met me.

I, along with several other students didn't quite think it right. So I did the only democratic thing to do: I decided to take a poll, off the record, in a way to see if I needed to fight for Sam's and Jen's memories. Out of about 120 students (yes, 9-12 grades!), there was about 3% who didn't want to pursue a memorial. I made the decision to put a petition up around the town to fight the school board and its decision. The response the day after the petitions went up in the shops around town were breathtaking. Naturally, I was called into the principal's office. I won't lie; he had me in tears, making me feel like a was some twat without an inkling of what was right or wrong. He asked me what I thought I was doing. Told him I didn't think it right not to honor their memories in the slightest bit, especially when this was an accident that took the girls from us. Then he asked me what right I had. I told him that if I hadn't stood up for them, no one else would. THEN he got to the thick of it after badgering me for about 5 minutes about how I went about it all wrong and this and the other... You want to know the shitty thing about the whole situation? THE SCHOOL BOARD HAD NOT TOLD THE PARENTS THAT THERE WOULD BE NO MEMORIAL!!! THAT'S what they were really pissy about! They had to own up to a grievous mistake that blighted not just the family and friends of Sam and Jen, but the community as well. In the end, we won.

So, what does this have to do with the price of rice in China? I think I'm finally willing to say that Onaga is my home. While I was only there for a year and a half, it's the place where I really grew up. I learned more there in that time than I had the 17 years prior. And some of those  lessons have carried over quite nicely in the 11 years since I graduated. (Goodnees me... I'm starting to get old!! lol) And it's the place I always feel safe. It's the place where when the community hurts, I hurt; when I hurt, the community hurts. It's the place where even though most of the town have no idea who I am, I'm always treated like family, like I'm coming home from holiday or something.

I stated earlier I have a heavy heart tonight... Onaga's lost another bright, young man. I may have never have known him, but when one family loses, we all lose. I'm in no shape to be able to join the unity of the community physically, but I know with my prayers going up and energies being sent, his family will brave this tough fight in the coming days, weeks, years. They'll have support from those around without even having to ask for it. Onaga is one of those towns where we help one another, gain strength from one another, and never have to be alone. Words are of little comfort to the grieving heart, but actions speak volumes. And Onaga is that kind of town...

Until next time... CIAO!!

So, yeah... end of the weekend. Didn't do anything! Just not feeling my best this weekend. But I'm feeling so much better now! Tomorrow should be fun!

Well, since I don't have anything remarkable to say tonight, I will leave ya a thought for tomorrow...

"Why do you permit a mere word to stand in your way? Forget the word 'difficult' and take your next step." ~Vernon Howard

Hope you have (or had, depending on the time) a beautiful Monday!!

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I've not been doing anything of note, hence nothing new this week... Been battling some spasms and pain in the hips a bit more than usual. Yay me! And since I can only take a certain amount of pain killers and other meds in a day, I have to suck up a pretty good portion of my day. Yay VA idiots... *sigh*

I'm a huge quote junkie and figured I'd try to start/end your day with a thought. (I may start doing this every day/every other day just to give me a reason to get on here and be a little social... )

If you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about learning. If you're going to fight something, fight for those in need. If you're going to question something, question authority. If you're going to lose something, lose your inhibitions. If you're going to gain something, gain respect and confidence. And if you're going to hate something, hate the false idea that you are not capable of your dreams. ~Daniel Golston

Hope you have an amazing Friday!!

Until next time... CIAO!!

"And only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live in every experience, painful or joyous; to live in gratitude for every moment, to live abundantly." ~Dorothy Thompson

So, yeah... Inspiration has struck, finally, to where I can write about my 49-day journey to self-discovery/rediscovery in the form of Katherine Woodward Thomas's book, Calling In "The One." I started the book more for the work that it does on the person rather than the calling in. And if you're completely honest with yourself, the groundwork can cause a paradigm that is indescribable. While I glanced at the book before buying it, I wasn't prepared for the transformation that would happen.

What brought me to this 49-day journey was my need and want to move on from The Guy and that relationship. I wasn't aware that throughout the journey how I would see the cracks in the foundation of that relationship and how they would be brought to light. I thought that I had the perfect relationship, one that would lead to a lifetime of everything good. This journey made me take a really good look at my past relationships and why they failed so miserably. And I found the peace to put them in the past and to learn from my failures to sustain them.

In my younger days, I came to be known as a heartbreaker. My average relationship would last for about 3 weeks; I'd find some kind of annoyance with the guy and then breakup. Some would say, 'oh, you're just being young and cavalier...' Sure... But when I let the pattern stay in my life up until I married my ex, well, that's just being a bitch. I never really took into account that these guys I dated would have feelings or be anything more than just a "thang." True; some relationships had good reasons for a break up. But this unsettling pattern is just not right or fair to the male populace.

After my divorce, I decided that I needed to rethink a few things about relationships, especially if I wanted to have someone share my life. On top of my small steps to re-train my attitude, my back started to take small steps towards where I am now. So, not only do I have a different perspective of what a relationship is and is not, I needed to find someone who would be okay with me and my new situation. (I really dislike saying disabled for it brings up images of someone unable to do things for themselves, at least to me. I am very capable of living a fairly normal life, with a few modifications here and there.) I've dated a few guys since my divorce and all of them have been absolutely beautiful in accepting my little slow down. Everyone seems to accept me, cane and all, but me...

When I started this journey, I was looking forward to tearing down some walls and rebuilding my foundation. Through work with the book and voluntarily seeing a shrink, I feel I've made so many leaps and bounds. (Figuratively, of course... I probably would be in the hospital if I actually did that at the moment! ) I'm rediscovering myself and slowly accepting the reality with my back. I may not care too much for it, but I'm working on it. And that's the point, at least for me. I feel as if I were to get into a relationship tomorrow, I have a solid foundation to build upon. And build the most amazing and incredible relationship I've or the world has ever known. I feel the most confident about myself than I have in such a long time. I feel as though I have the courage to love and be loved in return, and I've never felt like that before.

Robert Frost has a poem called The Road Less Traveled. My freshman year of high school, my English teacher put a challenge to the class that if anyone would care for some extra credit, memorize it and recite it for her. I never took her up on this; after all, English is one of favorite subjects and I can do rather well in it... The poem always stuck with me, especially with the last stanza. I feel it speaking to me now. I can take the path that's been traversed and looks all pretty, but what adventures would I miss by doing that?

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

(My favorite part of The Road Less Traveled, Robert Frost)

I'm okay walking down an unknown path. Had this been prior to this 49-day journey, I would've been perpetuating the heartbreak cycle once again. I knew I needed change. I needed to heal old wounds. I needed to search myself and find my heart's true desires. I needed to let go of my relationship with The Guy and The Kid. I needed to find my wings again. And it seems so strange that I could do so much in 7 weeks, but it worked for me. I feel different, in a good way. I feel healed and ready to grab life and love and make the best run I possibly can. I'm a work in progress and always will be until the day I'm scattered to the four winds.

Well, I think that's it for me tonight. Until next time... CIAO!