June 4, 2012

• Finally: why?

  So, yeah… I had the pleasure of my 2.5 month old nephew visiting this weekend. My momma sure is enjoying her grandmother status, especially with the Stell man an hour and a half away. If my other nephews were closer, they’d be spoilt like you wouldn’t believe!! I really do enjoy being Auntie Jay!

  Not really a whole lot else going on… Got slapped with a lawsuit Friday. Apparently getting my car repossessed for being broke wasn’t enough. I still owe almost half of what was left on the loan when it was repossessed, after it went to auction! That’s going to be fun. As if I’m not already stressed enough at not being able to take care of my financial obligations as it is, and the constant reminder of why I have that stress, I have one more thing to add to my “REALLY?!?” files. Yay me… I guess I’m just going to have to injure myself further by finding a job that I know I can’t handle in order to get everyone to shut the heck up and leave me alone. At least if I have to run around in a wheelchair from my body just not able to handle the stresses of work, I should be able to get 20% disability from the VA. If I’m lucky. I think I’d have to die in order to get that to happen…

  I don’t usually go into religion or philosophy here, as I believe that everyone has their own beliefs and journeys to get where they need to be to form their own opinions on life and after. It’s that whole belief of freewill and knowing that my journey is not like yours or anyone else’s. Tonight, though, I just need a space to put down some thoughts. One thing I hope you know is that I’m not forcing my beliefs upon you. If you feel I am, then all you gotta do is exit from this blog. But I hope you stay long enough to finish and gain a little more insight into me and can respect our differences.

  I feel I should probably start in about some of what I believe so that perhaps the next little bit can be in context. My journey has led me to be mostly inline with Christianity, of the Assembly of God kind. And, yes, I’m a Holy roller; I was given the gift of speaking in tongues at age 13. (Scared the crap out of me when it happened, though I knew what was happening!) And this might sound a little strange, but when I was younger, I asked God if I could be a Silent Witness for Him. I kind of want to punch those guys that scream at you those fire and brimstone, “you’re going to Hell!” -type speeches. How do you expect to gain anyone’s faith like that? I try hard to maintain a Christ-like life and actions. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. He must agree; I couldn’t tell you about all the conversations I’ve had!

  I’ve never doubted God or His plan for me, but lately I’ve been asking the one question that I never ask: Why me? When I was in Tech school for the Air Force, I never asked, “Why can not get this stupid Morse code? Why can’t I remember the differences between di-dah and dah-dit?” I always figured there was a reason, and that Someone needed me there for whatever. It wasn’t until about 9 months after I left the wonderful world of Code that I got a bit of a glimpse as to why. Made all the b.s. I went through and length of time on station a little easier to digest. When I was medically discharged from the Air Force, I figured my time there was over because I had served whatever purpose He needed me there. A year later, when my Dadi was finally diagnosed with cancer I realized part of the reason why my discharge happened. But now? What the crap? What’s the purpose? Why am I going through all this crap? Why now? Why am I here? What is the point? Where does it end? Why??

  Funny story of why I try hard not to ask “Why?” of God… I was a Girl Scout many a moons ago. I loved our troop leader; she brought a lot to the table as a leader and as a person. One day, when she told us about her newest addition to the family growing in her tummy, she made a joke that’s stuck with me to this day. She joked that every time she asked God for patience, she got pregnant! So I learned early on that I really didn’t want to ask questions or for anything that I wasn’t willing or prepared to have answered. Along my journey of life, many people I’ve encountered along the way have asked the why question and their response to His answer overwhelms them. In nine years, I’ve come close to asking, but just never feel I have the right or that I need to do that. He’s always provided for me, always pointed (pushed most times) me in the right direction. Friday just sent me over the top. Some days I feel as if the rope I’m holding on keeps getting shorter and shorter. I feel like my grip is getting weak. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on…

  *sigh* I know that I really have nothing to complain about; I’m still alive and very much in control of my faculties. I’m still somewhat bright, just not as fast as I used to be. I can still walk, no matter how slow the steps are. I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. (Even if my Latina curves are coming back out!!) I’m able to keep my cat, Leo, with me. (THANKS MOMI!!! You have no idea how much I really do appreciate you for that!!) I really have nothing to complain about. I know there are more out there with way more problems than I. Some days I just have to vent. Some days just getting it out helps the load not feel so heavy.

  Well, I better stop gabbing and get this posted. If you pray, please remember me. I don’t know what to ask for, so just a “…and please help Jayme keep her sanity…” will be quite useful…

  Until next time… CIAO!!

  • 2:39 am
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