So, yeah… Just had to stop in for a second or two and say hi, so… HI! Hope everyone is doing well and all is going awesomely! My schedule is a little crazy this week (I’m alternating between opening and closing; today I close and tomorrow I open! CRAZY SCHEDULE!!) but I wanted to just drop a couple of lines real quick…

The back decided to do it’s thang last week; not very happy I had to use my cane with so many of the lake members present! This week, so far, it seems to be holding up decently. Still getting some spasms and pain, but hoping it doesn’t repeat last week. I did not like that at all!

In the last bit I spilled I was doing the online dating thing again… Well, all but one have stopped communicating with me! That’s not a bad thing. London and I seem to be getting along nicely. Last night we decided to do that dreaded step: meet one another. Well, at least through Skype. (I have a feeling that will be my new best friend, that Skype!) For whatever reason (and I feel confident in calling it another “Only Jayme” thing) I couldn’t see him, but I was more interested in figuring out if his emails really were the way he talks. (Yep, but that’s not a bad thing at all!) And the most important thing I was worried about was how thick his London dialect would be. I think I dodged a HUGE bullet! (I love the Cockney as much as anyone, but sometimes it’s so thick I can’t understand a single word!) I think London and I could very easily get along. We have quite a bit in common, and sometimes it’s kind of scary. But, we shall see what direction the winds will blow and how everything works out. And, of course, I will keep you appraised of the situation as it develops!

Well, yeah, so that’s about all my exciting news… I did want to give a shout out to a certain Xangan… She made a pact with herself this year to have no fear. And as far as I can tell, she’s sticking to it. I look up to her quite a bit. Every time I think about taking a new step in a new direction, I think, “If @saintvi can do it, so can I!” Honestly, it’s because of her courage I feel I have found some of my own. So, I really gotta say THANK YOU!! I wouldn’t have been able to take these baby steps over the last couple of months if I hadn’t been inspired by your commitment to yourself. (I hope you don’t mind me putting you out there like this; you’re such an inspiration to me, I can’t just keep you to myself!)

Okay… I gotta run! Hope everyone stays healthy and has a bit of fun today!

Until next time… CIAO!

So, yeah… Can we say BUSY??? Again, I really thought I was getting a part time job… I’m not going to complain; I really enjoy myself and could use a little extra cash. But, wow… I may look good on the outside, but I can’t even begin to describe what all is going on on the inside! I keep taking deep breaths in and trudging on. I don’t really know how to do anything else but that!

Um… Oh! I auditioned last weekend for a part in Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. I got my first callback in 10 years!! I didn’t get a part, unfortunately, but there is another always around the corner. No, really. I have another audition on the 30th. If I keep trying, I know I can do it! Between my job and callback, my confidence in myself is growing in the right way once more. I feel like I’ve kind of lost that part of me over the last few years. I’m feeling better about myself and my prospects of life again. That is making a pretty good change in my attitude too. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?

I decided to try a certain dating site over the Labor Day weekend… I’ve had some success. It ended up being narrowed down to 3 contenders…

• One got crossed off after my inability to respond to a message within his set time frame of when I should respond. I’m thinking that’s why I didn’t get too much of a feel after speaking with him over the phone. You ever feel something is off but you can’t place as to why? I’m sorry; I’ve had someone who thought that they could dictate my every move. Not going to go there again. AND, as any of you who know me in person know, I live on Jayme time; not so much everyone else’s. Not trying to be mean, but really, sometimes I get busy and forget. Or fall asleep. Or something comes up that needs more attention than responding at that very minute. Oh well…

The other two are pretty interesting fellows.

• One is former military and going to school. I feel kind of bad because when he’s available to talk, I’m not. But school is way more important so I’m not really that upset about it; just feel bad that we keep missing each other…

Then there’s this one that I’m really connecting with…

• It’s definitely a meeting of minds and man am I enjoying our talks! The only bad part about this match is he lives in England. Besides our meeting of minds, he kind of has the same attitude about and towards life as I do; let it do its own thing and see what happens! Which is pretty neat… Oh, the one thing that caught my eye about him at first, was something he mentioned on his profile. One of the questions/statements asks what you’re looking for in your person. His reply? He’s looking for his partner in crime… Heard that one before somewhere??? It’s amazing how life just hands some things to you when you aren’t really looking for it! We’ve even started talking about a possible visit. That’s when the butterflies start… Weird, even for me!

And that’s pretty much the excitement of my world lately… Besides listening to the ducks laugh. I swear that’s what they’re doing! I was sitting there at the lake today and the way this one duck was quacking, I could swear it sounded as though it was laughing! (At me? I don’t know… I may sound paranoid if I say that…)

Well… My peepers are getting pretty heavy so I guess I should let you go for now… Have a good and safe weekend y’all!!

Until next time… CIAO!

So, yeah… I’m about to head to bed and realize that I never did get around to posting a couple of blogs I wrote while I was at the lake… Guess I’ll have to jot them down later. You’ll just have to make do with this little bit I feel I want to share with ya…

First, I feel the need to apologize for my Debby Downer the other day… While I still tend to drift and wonder how The Guy and The Kid are doing, what they’re up to, I don’t let it really dictate my life. It’s just a bit scary to think about moving on. It’s not so much the newness of something, but the actual putting one foot in front of the other and continuing down the path that I’m on. There will always be that place in my heart for them; they both taught me more than I could ever express in this short blip. The main being that love shouldn’t be kept to just yourself.

In order to live life fully, to the brim, and completely wholeheartedly, boldness has to be embraced. It was easier when I was younger. I never let anything stand in between me and what I wanted or wanted to do. And I grew stronger every fall. It’s not so much the falling part that I’m looking forward to, but the outcome of picking myself up and pressing on stronger. Sometimes we have moments where we seem to do nothing but fall down. Like even sitting up is a struggle. But if we don’t try and try to stand, how do we grow? How do we enjoy the fruits of life and love if we only stay on the ground? How do we embrace all that we are supposed to be and embrace the love and kindness along the way?

So, basically, I’m okay now. Just had one of those moments. It’s scary as all get out, but I’m about to put myself back in the dating game. I know what you’re thinking: really? are you really ready? If I don’t do it now, chances are that I never will again. And then I’ll be the crazy cat lady down the street from you. So, yeah, not going to do that. And while I still have some hesitations, I’m one of those fly by the seat of your pants people. A turtle can never see the world with its head inside its shell all the time, right? The nice thing about dipping my toe back in the pool is that I can go at my pace, my speed, my comfy-ness. I’m not looking to marry the first person I see, and I can be as choosy as I want. If it becomes too overwhelming for me, then I can always take that step back and work on it a little more. The point of it all is to try, to see where life will be taking me next.

I think I’ll let you go for now… I’m about to fall asleep right now. My eyes are crossing without any help from me. That’s never a good thing…

Hope y’all have a safe and beautimous Labor Day weekend!! Indulge a little with the winding down of summer. Fall will be here all too soon and then it’ll be the downside of 2012. Life is for enjoying; ENJOY!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… Been enjoying my days off; sleep has been the main component in them. My body just isn’t used to be on the go any more! Even if it is only a seasonal job, I’m really thankful and grateful to have it. I’m trying my best to just trust that something else is in the works for the time in between the end of this season and beginning of next year’s open. If I’m offered a position for next year, I believe I will take it. It’s really good for me and making sure I keep some of the sanity I have left…

The only thing that really sucks about the job: too much time to think. Now, I know I mentioned briefly about thinking about the Guy and the Kid here recently. Well, time on my hands isn’t helping me much. Top that with a party last weekend and kids galore everywhere. Yeah… I had about a good 5 minute cry when I let myself wonder what the Kid was doing and if he was having fun. (It’s been a year, but the hurt is still there for whatever reason.) Not to mention all the little kids I bump into, correction, that bump into me or are somewhere on the same path I seem to be going… It’s kind of driving me a little crazy. Oh, and add in a little bit of Gavin DeGraw’s Not Over You, or Train’s This Is Not Goodbye, and I’m just frikin’ peachy! Seriously?

I thought I had put everything to rest a few months back; obviously not so much. *sigh* How am I supposed to get over them when little things keep cropping up as they have? (Did I mention watching Two and a Half Men and one line hitting me straight to what heart I have left?) *sigh* I try to remind myself that it took almost 10 years before I got over Romeo. Doesn’t really give me much confidence. I keep imagining what I might do if I ever saw them (the Guy & the Kid) and that really doesn’t help matters… I’ve tried sketching stuff just to keep my mind focused on something else. Reading and keeping myself busy with little things to do at work aren’t helping much either. Nothing seems to get my mind off of them. I know it’s been over a year since I had my little breakdown, so why do I feel I haven’t made much progress in trying to put them to rest?

I used to have the simple answer: date a new person. But, somehow, I just don’t have the heart right now to get back in the game. Everyone I’m around right now has a significant other, and while I’m so excited and truly happy for them, I can’t help but have a small pain crop up in the emptiness I feel. It’s not that I’m afraid to be alone; anything but! I’m enjoying my time to myself and exploring who I really am without someone having to be lead, seeing their shadow, or having to remind them where I am. It’s just upsetting that after a year I feel like I’ve not made a bit of progress in trying to get on with my life.

I’d go to the nearest bar and get pissed, but I between my empty billfold and the hypoglycemia, well, um, I enjoy watching how crazy my cat is tonight? *sigh* I just hope that it doesn’t take 10 years before I can move on, completely. I keep trying to read these books that supposedly are to help in the moving on department but I just can’t seem to get into them. I’ve started letters with my feelings, to myself, to the Guy, to God; it doesn’t release anything and leaves me just as frustrated as when I started. (Too much blocked energy?) I just don’t know how to step out and get over the heartbreak and heartache I have. I feel a little lost at the moment and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not…

Well, I’ll leave ya with something to think about (besides wanting to smack me upside the head…) and not on a down beat…

Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome. ~Arthur Ashe

Hope everyone has a beautimous Friday and an absolutely brilliant weekend! We (my mom, the Boots Lady, Pops, and me) have the Stell Man this weekend, so busy, busy, busy! OH! I’ve got an audition on the 8th of September. The theater here in town is doing Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. I’m really hoping to be able to get a part; I know that will keep me on my toes for a spell! Plus, it may do me some good to get my feet back in the waters there (the theatre). We’ll see…

Guess I better go to bed; I gotta get up at 0500 tomorrow!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… I swear I’m still alive!! What I thought was going to be a part-time job has turned into a bit of a full time one at the moment. Apparently some of the people that have been offered the same job I have not exactly worked out… Good for me as I am busy as all get out but, man, it sure is wearing me out; I’m just not used to so much activity in one day! (And I mean that in a good way!!)

Can’t stay long, but thought I’d say hi… I have a couple of pics to share too!

This was me on Sunday… Apparently I’m so white that even with sunscreen (with an SPF of 30!) wasn’t much protection at all… From 0700 to 1500! (Or 7am to 3pm for normal people…) I was actually surprised that the only things that hurt the most were my ears and right side of my neck! (It’s turned into some color now; gotta go to the lake on my days off and try to get the rest of me to match it up! The colour, not the red… that hurt!)

Proof that I am up when the sun rises! This is part of the 46-acre area I’m entrusted to protect and make sure the idiots don’t ruin… It’s really nice and relaxing!

And my work vehicle… Yes! I know how to operate this now! (And man! It sure is fun!)

Still learning as much as I can about this stuff, but I’m very excited to be doing this! Can’t wait for my nephew to visit me so he can experience something new.

Well, I’ll let you go for now… Gotta start getting around for tonight. It’ll be my first night alone, so it could get interesting! My 1st day off is on Tuesday, so hopefully I will be able to share my wonderful experiences in learning how to operate a boat. (Trust me… You think I have some fun in just regular life; adding something new to my repertoire such as boating is an experience all it’s own!) There isn’t any wi-fi out there for me to piggy-back off of and all I want to do when I get home is go to bed… My body is just not used to all this fun!

Hope y’all have a wonderful Friday and a beautimous weekend!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… Been a couple of weeks… Lots going on!!! My back is still doing it’s own thang; thankfully, though, I’ve not had too many bad spells since my last attempt at P90X Yoga. That’s always a plus for me! I’m starting to feel a little stagnant only doing the Yogalates routines I have, but I know that I hurt more when I don’t do anything. *sigh*

As for the other stuffs in my life… I finally have someone who’s willing to take a chance on this disabled vet… I HAVE A JOB! It’s only temporary (’til about October), but I’m going crazy being alone with my thoughts. I need some human interactions or I may end up a crazy cat lady! So, the job… It’s a patrol job for a private lake here in town. I get to make sure no one is being too much of an idiot on the water and that rules are being followed. Plus, I get to ride around in a boat!! I’ve not ever been around boats too much, so this should be a fun experiment and such an exciting adventure for me. I start Friday. The awesome thing about the job is how the supervisor is a former military member himself. In fact, I joked about how for once my military training can be used for something. His reply was that military is the only reason I was sitting in front of him! As long as there’s not any Morse code heard, I should be good. I’m not entirely sure at how my back and body is going to really handle this. But with it being only a couple of months, and lots of down time, I’m just giving it over to a certain Somebody that I’m not on some wild goose chase…

Hmm… OH! I got to have a couple of days with my nephew this past weekend. Instead of his normal Friday to Sunday stint, he came over on a Thursday. And Auntie J and the Stell man had such a good time together! See…

**He was fascinated by the beeps my camera makes when I put it in self-portrait mode and forgot to smile… Isn’t he a cutie though?? (Nah… I’m not a proud auntie, am I?)**

Well, I think that’s about all my news… May not be a whole bunch, but it’s rather exciting for me! I mean, after putting out resume after resume just about every day for the past 3 months, I finally have something for a couple of months. (If anything, maybe it will give me some cash to stock up on Leo stuff so my mom ain’t having to worry about the crazy critter!) And it’s crazy, too, because out of all the jobs I’ve put myself up for, I get the one job that’s out of the box… I mean, who’d'va thunk? I’m so excited to be doing something that I never would have thought I’d do! (As always, never where I feel I need to be, but where I’m needed… *sigh*)

Okay… I’ll let you go for now. I’ll try not to be a stranger, or at least go so long without checkin’ in with ya… Hope you’re well and all is good in your neck of the woods!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… Apparently I have more fans than I previously thought. And even more faithful than I ever realized. My mom is always my biggest fan, and most days I think she’s my only one. I never thought for a moment that I had anyone else that may enjoy my rambles… So to each of you who messaged me and said you are a regular customer and to those who I offended in my last post: I sincerely apologize when I said no one reads my blogs!! I appreciate each of you who take the time to come and visit my ramblings and chaos called my life.

I just want to get that order of business on the agenda first… You spoke, I heard! I cried a little and swelled up with a bit of pride for every message I got or likes on my personal Facebook. (I’m working on one for my alter ego-theJAYMEfiles-so that those of you who aren’t a close friend or family (very Sheldon that way-no offence!) can see that there really is a wizard behind the curtain…) It made me realize that you do enjoy the small escape and makes me want to try harder to get this going a little more regularly…

Hmm… what else… The job search continues. Still no bites. It’s starting to really stress me out. I’ve gone into a few establishments to fill out applications there on the spot… I see the tiny glance down at the cane as I hand the paper back to them. At least they humour me in letting me fill the application out. *sigh* I’m trying not to be so negative, but for cryin’ out loud! I’m not qualified for anything? Then how did I run an office for an investments company? (And it just wasn’t the office; 4 personal properties and their own utilities, housekeeper, and visiting family and friends schedule…) I’ve filled out applications for the VA and still don’t get a call… And doctors wonder why I don’t have a job? It’s not because I don’t try; I just can’t find anyone willing to take a chance on this disabled vet.

I’ve been wrestling with myself on whether to put in for a new claim or not for my back. No one seems to be hearing me when I talk to them about the impact that this has taken on me, both physically and mentally. The only person that has in the last few years is the neurosurgeon at the VA in Kansas City. And while I did have a lady working with me in trying to get my case re-examined, I can’t seem to get enough evidence to support my claims. Add to she has a million other life stuffs going on… This dog is getting tired and the bark is growing quite weary. OH! On top of everything, Social Security denied me again for disability. Because, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me. (Thanks to the docs I see and them writing down exactly what I’m NOT saying!) I’m getting so weary on this ride. Will someone please let me off so I can rest and not be so dizzy?

Well, I can’t just leave it on a down note like that… Let’s see…

So, yeah… It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last post! Not that anyone really reads this; it’s more just my venting/organize thoughts place. Only publicly. Nothing big by today’s standards at all.

Well, one day I got bored and decided I’d join Twitter… I’m still trying to understand the whole thing. I borrowed a book from the library, but since my eyes are a little wonky, my dyslexia is kicking my arse so I can’t really understand a word. Yeah, it’s easy to fix: get an eye exam and get new prescriptions for my glasses and contacts. However, I ain’t gots the money, so it’s not really on my need to get done list. I can’t even read upside down to get my eyes to focus/concentrate! (That’s the trick I use most often when my dyslexia is at a high level and my eyes feel a little weak…) Thank goodness I have a Nook that I can change the color of the screen and words in order to read. But, since the library’s e-reader library is a little lusterless, I don’t really get anything of too much interest… Wow… I’m scraping the barrel for that bit of news, huh?

So, yeah, I’m on Twitter now. That’s been a very interesting time. I spend most of my time reading news stories and such since I’m a little picky at who I want to follow. In the first couple weeks of me joining, I got those lovely ladies who, upon checking their profile, had the whole triple x links to “their websites.” Um… No. Sorry. I’m okay with my sexuality, but I’m not exactly one to watch someone else flaunt theirs! Plus, c’mon… I really don’t care about girl on girl action or who’s getting laid tonight. I know we’ve come quite a ways in exploiting our sexuality as a society in the last 100 or so years, but when I see little girls (ages 6 and up) trying to wear something from the Pussy Cat Dolls clothing line, I believe there is a disconnect somewhere in the promotion of sex and sexuality.

Um… yeah… Twitter… I keep getting sidetracked… Imagine that… I follow mostly veteran related stuff. I try to follow as many other veterans as I can. I’ve even gotten a few tweeps from across the Pond. It’s a very interesting ‘networking’ site. And I bet it’ll be even better when I actually figure out what all the RTs, #FF, and crap is really saying!

Nothing else really going on. I’ve had 2 interviews in the past month and didn’t get either position. I keep applying for all kinds of secretary, office assistant, administrative assistant positions I can find. It’s very frustrating! Tomorrow I’m going to hit up a couple of places that are “Apply in person” applications. Should be very interesting. Going to try to get up a little earlier than usual so I can beat the heat, if I can! I’m still experiencing my good and bad days with my back; I’m just ignoring the bad ones as much as I can!

Oh, and, you’re going to slap me, but for whatever reason, I’ve been thinking about The Guy and The Kid lately. I haven’t in a really long time (a few months maybe?) and it confuses the crap out of me. Every time I find myself thinking about them, I try to focus and remember that I need to stay in the now. I know it’s been almost a year since I left, but how do I stop? I thought I had gotten everything out after that book journey I took. I even had my therapist say I’m doing such a good job and that I’ve really worked on letting the situation go and moved on with my life. And then out of nowhere, they’re back… I don’t get it…

Well, I guess that’s all for tonight. I’m getting really sleepy… Hope y’all have been well and that all is good! Until next time… CIAO!!

**OH! If you’re as fancy-smancy as me and want to follow me on Twitter, I’m @theJAYMEfiles. Follow me and I will follow you back!**

So, yeah… I’ve been lazy. Again. By the time I think of getting on here, I’m usually about to fall asleep and say to myself, “Tomorrow…” *sigh*

Well, I guess a quick update… Been doing alright back-wise. I had a rather odd reaction to a change in my muscle relaxer. Add to that I didn’t feel any difference in the spasms subsiding than when I didn’t have any in my system… Just going to have to work hard at getting off the crap I’m on now and hope that I can try a new recipe when everything is out of my system completely.

I’ve also been experimenting a little with my exercise routine. That’s been fun! I like to be challenged when it comes to exercising. (That’s why I miss hiking; paths aren’t usually all the same throughout the trek.) I get more out of the session if I feel like I’ve accomplished something that I didn’t think I could. Like P90X… I like the program because  you build upon what you were just doing, but there’s always some added challenge to it. Like with the Yoga in the system… The guy has you doing downward dog a good 85% of the time in the first 45 minutes of the workout. It’s like you start out pretty easy, but then you’re switching from Plank, to Cobra, to Downward Dog, to Runner’s Pose, to Crescent, to Warrior 1, then reversing the whole series. It’s fun for me, but then I’m also kind of odd…

Oh! I’ve had two interviews in this past week. Both are for a receptionist job, one for part time, the other full time. I’m pretty excited that I even got that far!! I don’t really have a whole lot of training or degrees, so when I score an interview, I feel very fortunate. I can’t tell you how many resumes and applications I’ve filled out. Not too many people really want to take a chance on a veteran any more. We’re not all trying to cope with PTSD or some type of inability to interact appropriately in the civilian world. I know vets have a better opportunity now than when we did around Nam, but the stigmas are still prevaliant. It doesn’t help when the vets coming back from OEF/OIF, Iraq, Afghanistan aren’t getting the proper care the need and deserve…

Okay… I’ll sign off for now… Hope everyone is having a fabulous 4th! Be safe if you’re setting off your own displays; many states are very dry and  it doesn’t take much for an innocent stray spark to turn into an inferno!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… I finally got a new doctor and treatment team!! I had my appointment with my new doctor today. Let’s just say that I have a feeling I’m finally being heard!! And, yes, it is just the first visit, but the lady knows her stuff. You can tell that she not only cares about the job, she cares about the patient…

Dr. Teri wants to experiment a little with my meds and get me off the codeine. And to try a different combination of meds to help level things out. She is very knowledgeable about medications, the good and the bad. The thing that I really like about her? SHE UNDERSTANDS WHAT SCOLIOSIS IS!!! As I kept talking about my fun foray into medicine and what works, what doesn’t, she listened. Then when she asked about the bone scan and I relayed what I was told. But, she was looking at me the whole time! The only time she looked at her computer and my files was after we talked about changing the meds up. (And my lab work; I’m still too chicken to look at the results. That’s for another day…) And when I told her that the orthopeadic from KU Med had said about needing more core stability, she was like, “But you do Pilates and Yoga; how much more stability can you get?” Loved it!

But now on to the best part of today’s appointment: SHE UNDERSTANDS WHAT SCOLIOSIS IS!!! You have no idea how comforting that is! After 9.5 years of getting so many docs that “oh, it’s just an abnormal curvature of the spine,” I have a doc that knows because one of her nephews has it! (Poor thing experienced one of the worst side effects: his torso was turned severely and it started to crush his lungs and a few other organs… She commented that docs don’t like to operate on patients due to the high risk involved and the complications of trying to set the spine. I knew that, but it was a little a comforting to know that she understands my frustrations…) The doc wanted to iterate that I would have back problems all my life, that there will never be a conclusive diagnosis as to what’s wrong. (That part is a little upsetting, but it is my reality, unfortunately.) And since she knows a bit about the course Scoliosis can take on the body, she wants me to get on a lower medication regime so the meds don’t start taking a bad turn on me. Especially with the knowledge of knowing this is a lifelong issue…

I don’t even know if I can convey how happy I am that I have a doctor that listens to me, not just shoving their own rhetoric down my throat. Dr. Teri has given me a little hope that I may finally get where I want to be in my back care. It’s such an awesome bonus that she understands Scoliosis and the effects on the body. I feel I can actually breathe for once, that I’m where I need to be finally. It’s very liberating!

Well, since I’m having a few issues thinking clearly tonight because of the high (and meds), I shall let you go. I probably have a half dozen and more grammatical mistakes, but I’m in a euphoria, so it’ll go to the wayside for the moment. Maybe one day I’ll go back through and properly edit… (And with me having some OCD tendencies, it could happen…)

Until next time… CIAO!!