So, yeah... My back's getting a little twinge-y here the last few days. That usually means that at some point, spasms increase, falls happen, and my bed calls me "love." I'm hoping if I can stay just busy enough I can escape the wild ride.'Cuz that is no fun what-so-ever! Today I've had a few more twinges than yesterday so I took in a day of The Doctor (Doctor Who)... I'm a geek, but ya love me anyway!

Let's see... I've written a goodbye to The Guy; I'm still trying to figure out how to release that. To tear or not to tear? To post or not to post? *sigh*

Oh, tomorrow is Kick Ass Friday for me... The VA decided to charge me for my medication that I use for my service-connected disability. Which means that I shouldn't be getting any bills. Just about had a heart attack too! $56 for 3 meds, one that has to be refilled twice a month. And those are the generics! So, me and the VA is going to have some fun tomorrow. Plus, I got a few other fires I need to get under control. Kick Ass Friday here I come!

Speaking of meds... I really need to work at getting off them. Yesterday made me a little too uncomfortable. I had been getting things around and a little organized in the basement so I can do some working out. I bent over to pick something up off the floor and my heart started racing; I mean really racing. I got a little light-headed and short of breath. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. Our bodies are so amazing, miraculous even. Our bodies are so sensitive to outside influences and in a world where medication is offered and prescribed at an astonishing rate, it's a wonder we even survive past 30 any more. Just because a pill says it can cure whatever ails you doesn't mean that it's necessarily good for you. I've been taking codeine (for the pain) since 2005 as part of my medicinal front to be productive. It was only meant for a few times a week. I've been taking codeine regularly since 2008. And twice the original amount since the beginning of last year. I'm feeling the disarray of my body and its system every day; my concerns are only growing more with more incidents like yesterday. And, no, I'm not going to talk to my doctor just to have more medication pushed down my throat. Medications are the root of the problem, not the solution.

In other news, days 32 and 33 have been interesting. Day 32 dealt with just getting comfortable with your body and appreciating it, no matter what you think it looks like. Like how I have this curvature in my spine that makes one side look funnier than the other. The more weight I have on me, the more uncomfortable I am with it. Instead of looking at it like it's a plague, I tend to look at it as something that makes me unique. I mean, who else could have a curvature in their spine like mine? It's kind of nice not being from a cookie cutter mold. Another feature I didn't care much for when I was younger were my ears. I was born without the extra fold in them that slicks them close to the head. So I always felt like a freak with these weird ears sticking out like Mighty Mouse. It didn't make me feel any better when I was in the military as the stupid things were hard to hide wearing a bun... But it was because of them always being out there that lets me hear more than I should. They help me gather sound which was really good when you're a professional eavesdripper!

Day 33 was a bit more interesting than analyzing my body and accepting all that's there (and not there). (I mean, what girl wouldn't want their boobs to by in a little more proportion to the rest of them?) Today's fun journey entailed more of your sensuality and sexuality. I totally get it. Being molested at such a young age, there are still plenty of times where I'm uncomfortable in the bedroom. I think it comes from my experiences as a kid and knowing that it wasn't supposed to happen like that but feeling powerless to stop it. There's still a little bit of that little girl there and probably will be no matter how comfortable I am with my partner or myself. The key is to not let it ruin or overtake the union (mind, body, spirit) of my future partner. The exercise today had us meditate on our past lovers, that energy and union, and release so that you don't have anything but peace left. Then we meditated on our future lover and how we felt with them. That felt amazing! Wow and weird at the same time!

Well, I think that's it for tonight... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Has anyone seen my motivation lately? I've seemed to misplace mine and I've torn my bedroom apart looking for it. I slept in until 11 this morning! I don't know what the crap is going on... It's really annoying. The last time I slept so long was when I was in England, before I started piecing together that I could be pregnant. But I definitely know that ain't the case here! (Just trust me on this...) It's been rainy and dreary out, but that doesn't usually have much pull on me. Maybe I overdid it a little Friday and Sunday and my body is telling me how it feels about that... *sigh* If you happen to find my motivation, would you send it back my way? I'm not liking this one bit...

In other news, I got my decision letter from Social Security letting me know I'm not disabled after all! Whew! Glad I'm just imagining the spasms and pain and all... They told me that I don't have any restrictions on movement and that I experience "some discomfort." I'm so glad they cleared that up for me... I was beginning to wonder what my problem is! (Don't worry; I will be appealing this decision and I do have legal representation to help me through this wonderful fun.) I'll bet that they made their decision based upon my last rating with the VA, who claims I'm only 10% disabled. Wouldn't have a clue why so many veterans get frustrated...

On to more exciting matters; day 31! It was all about remembering how to receive. Some of us in the world have a pretty good want to give, give, give, and have a time receiving for one reason or another. Today was to remember that there's a two-way street between you and anyone you have interaction with, be it friends, family, colleagues, strangers, etc. Look at it like this... You're driving around an unfamiliar area/town. You see a convenience store and decide that the 2-hr "scenic route" has run its course. You brave up and go inside to ask for directions finally. Clerk looks up, can smell the confusion and frustration on you. You exchange hellos and here comes your give: asking for directions. And you receive: directions.

Give-get. Simple, right? It's easy to see in the example, but the challenge is applying it to your daily routine, be it a relationship with your other, your boss, your kids. Sometimes it can be just asking for some help with dishes, or dinner, or asking the boss if they could add a person or two to help you out on a big project. It doesn't have to be way out there requests. They can be just little things that could help you out some way. Little by little, the joys of a fulfilled relation will begin to blossom. I'll leave you with a piece that I found at the beginning of today's lesson.

Someone who does not know how to receive love will, of course, end up feeling unloved. We then grow  bitter or cynical, making us less and less attractive, keeping love at a distance, and bolstering our belief that a loving universe isn't really that loving in our case. -Marianne Williamson (Enchanted Love)

Well, I think that's it for today. Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Yesterday rocked! I was able to spend a couple of hours with the Stellan dude... Man is he light! My cat comes in at around 11-12 pounds and holding Stellan was like holding air compared to Leo! I think the little guy and I will definitely have a bond as he grows up, even if Hollywood calls. (Don't get me wrong; I have two older nephews and love them both dearly. And while I feel I have that Auntie bond with them, both live so far away-one in England and the other in Florida-that I don't get the pleasure of their company very often. ) He even opened his eyes for a while when I was there. He's going to be a cutie! After all, his momma and daddy are pretty good looking themselves! I'm so excited, or could you tell?

In back news, I've been told very loudly since coming home yesterday that I'm in the doghouse again... Spent much of the day passed out and nicely comatosed. I've moved my workout area back down to the basement. Love my cat, but he's a lover and trying to do Yoga with a cat adds a certain fun that my back doesn't quite appreciate. Plus, there's a bit more room down there than in my room. I've gotten a little lazy the last couple of weeks, so I gotta work on that a little more... Hopefully today's resting will help me pick the pace back up. I hate feeling like a completely bum and not accomplishing anything in a day!

So, I've started week 5 today. I didn't do yesterday because I was really excited to see my nephew again and concentration on reading just wasn't there. Today I did two lessons, days 29 and 30. In the beginning of each week's section, it gives a little overview as to what to kind of expect for the week. This week is more concentrated on remembering to take care and time for yourself. "You have to love yourself before you can love another." And that seems to be the concept...

Day 29 deals with commitments while day 30 appeals for a bit of selfishness. To me, they complement each other. It's easy to just go about the day and to commit yourself to a million things. And it's easy to forget to take a moment to think and even wonder about ourselves. This world is a fast, on-the-go, no-thinking, technologically-induced place. We get so busy in doing even the most of mundane tasks, that so many of us get lost and out of sync with one another. It's no wonder we have identity crises. When we forget to think about us for a moment and what we're doing to the self, we have a tendency to just trudge on through the days, weeks, and years and life becomes listless and unsettling. But, if we make one commitment that has meaning for us (like volunteering to a cause close to you), that one thing you can put your heart into, then life seems true, in sync, and purposeful.

How would one apply those concepts to a relationship? Well, when you're in tune with you and your needs, it's a little easier to stay true to you and your commitments. I can use my own personal experience here as an illustration... For the past few years, I've not been true to just how my back issues have effected and affected me and the relations that I've had along the way. Take a look at what a year has done for me... This time last year, The Guy and I were together and looked like we would have a fairy tale come true. I honestly thought I had a handle on the situation with my back and the restlessness there. I was falling into an amazing next chapter in life by having the guy of my dreams and, the bonus of all bonuses, a kid that was astonishingly my mini-me. That feeling I had when I first met The Guy just grew stronger every day and the reality of that vision was starting to take root. I was starting to fall into a pace that only a family could have and loving it. And it's not that I was ignoring me, but I stopped actively pursuing something for me. Little by little, it started piling up.

Then the dam started spilling... Finances took a staggering hit that I was not expecting. My back started becoming more of an issue for me. Then the VA comes hitting. And it seemed like a million other issues all at once. The reality of it all hit me and in the worse place and time ever. I never knew how much the flood would tear me down and sweep me so far away. I hate to admit it, but The Guy kept telling me after that I needed to work on me. I didn't really appreciate it much to be honest; I just couldn't understand why he wanted to distance himself from me. I was still in complete denial of what all was happening. Now, I do understand and while I may never be able to tell him, I have to thank him for that. While I hate how I pretty much had to lose everything to get this lesson, I'm appreciating the journey a bit more each day. My downfall has been a time of rebuilding, reflecting and rejuvenation. It's a journey that I didn't realized I needed. Funny how life happens, huh?

So the point and answer to my question... Sometimes when you're fulfilling all these commitments throughout the day, you can forget that moment or two to take for you. When you forget that moment, piles start accumulating. When piles start accumulating, things start becoming out of whack for you. Denying to pick up those piles and dealing with them head on is the worst possible thing just waiting to happen. (Think about that show Hoarders...) So, take some time for yourself, make it a commitment to do so; then your other commitments and life can live in harmony.

Okay... I think I've rambled on long enough today... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... 7lbs, 9oz, and 20-inches long. 10 toes. 8 fingers and 2 thumbs... Precious nephew of mine entered the world yesterday afternoon! (Although I have 2 older nephews, this one is really exciting for me because I can really be in on everything from day one. I feel like the little girl in Despicable Me: It's so FLUFFY!! lol) And he definitely takes after his daddy; he has that wonderful Mexican, full head of hair!! I haven't had the chance to hold him yet. The Boots Lady started getting restless after Stellan and Kyla (my future sis-in-law) were brought back to the room. BUT I get to see him tomorrow so I will then!

Back wise yesterday, I didn't start the day out great. I fell once after getting out of bed and then once more before leaving for the hospital. (Within about an hour of each other; fun times!) And today, spasms like crazy!! Between a heating pad and medication, I'm having a grand ol' time. *sigh* I haven't really done much the last couple of days so nothing to really write about. I'm just really excited for my brother and his girl. And the entrance of Lil' Bit, as apparently everyone has kept referring to him as the last few months...

It's amazing his timing happens to be now. Five years ago, my brothers and I lost a grandfather and father within 3 weeks of each other. While the Old Man's passing was expected (Pancreatic cancer is a bitch!), losing PoPo (grandfather) three weeks prior was devastating. March 1 and 24 are not the best for us, but I wasn't really looking forward to this year. For me, the first year was okay. You can kind of trick yourself into thinking, "oh, they're at the store" or "they're just busy and haven't found the time to call." The second year was when reality seemed to sink in that they really are gone. Five years have almost completely passed and it still seems like a dream. I felt we needed something positive this year so that we weren't dreading another anniversary. Stellan's arrival, for me at least, was that positive thing. When Kirk and Kyla first found out about their little bundle, Stellan was to make his grand entrance on the 24th. Isn't it crazy some of the way cycles begin and end? But I'm glad he was born 3 months before my birthday. (Best birthday present ever!)

On to my book journey... Yesterday was focused on prayer and meditation. One I do religiously before drifting off to dreamland; the other I need to work on adding it back into my life. I found meditation in high school and loved the slight slow down of the day to get a little centered and more focused on the tasks for the next day. I even did it pretty regularly while I was in the military. (Yeah, the hurry up and wait was great! Meditation helped me deal with that a bit easier...) Then I kind of fell off and sporadically did it for a few years then stopped completely. I know it's not a big, time consuming practice; I've just gotten lazy and out of touch with myself. Which was pretty much the point the author was trying to make. You don't have to be monk and meditate hours on end; spending even as little as 5 minutes is better than nothing! It makes you slow down your thoughts and focus on you for just a little while.

Today's lesson was focused on making wise choices. What I got out of it was basically trust your instincts. Trust yourself that you are making the best decision for you, regardless of what others say or do to persuade you otherwise. While it's not a bad idea to get other opinions about which direction (choice) they think is good for you, in the end, it is your decision to make. And don't let someone else force their ideas on you as to what they want you to do. This is your journey, not theirs. You cannot help someone's regret over decisions they made or did not make; you can increase your chances of enjoying life and love by making the choices that's right for you. I love this quote by DJ "Eagle Bear" Vanas that's in the book: Think of your life as a canoe and your decisions and actions as your paddle. You'll get where you're going one stroke at a time with the decisions and actions you make.

I think that's it for tonight... I start in on week 5 tomorrow on my book journey! Wow. Doesn't feel like it's been that long!

Well, until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Not really anything new here today. Back is still being a punk, but I'm going to stay somewhat strong and ignore it. (Yeah, I know: not the smartest thing for me to do!) Tomorrow is too important for me to care what kind of punk my back wants to be; my baby brother will be a daddy and I will have another *achoo-niece-cough* nephew joining this world. I'm so excited I can't quite fall asleep just yet.  Though the morning will come too quick, I gots some good, upbeat stuff on my music player to keep me awake tomorrow (or today since it's after midnight here!). Plus, as long as it's not a military briefing, I think I'll be okay. I still have those two darned rows to crochet; I'm leaving that for the waiting for the delivery part. That won't take long as long as I'm jamming out...

Today's journey (day 26) talked about integrity. Now, when I saw that, my mind immediately started repeating the Air Force core values... Integrity first! Service before self! Excellence in all we do! Kinda hard not to hear integrity and not wander back to Basic (or Barbie Camp according to my TI/Drill Sergeant). You repeat the dang core values so much, I bet I probably still say them in my sleep. The Air Force drills it in ya that basically integrity is just doing the right thing, especially when no one is looking. Pretty cut and dry really. It's also a value that many people today seem to lack. (All you gotta do is look around and you have the biggest example of this; the housing practices that landed us in some bad times lacked a certain integrity to our country. Even if it had been one person standing up to what was going on behind the scenes, we couldn't avoid it, but at least some concern early enough would have raised some flag somewhere that something was off...)

The lesson today dealt more with our personal integrity. How we relate to others and that impact it can have on us. Like saying we'll help a friend move. When the day arrives, what do you do? Do you stay true to your promise to help? Or do you find someway of getting out of it? This is where I have struggled most since all this crap has started with my back. I was taught a young age that you stay true to your words, your promise, not matter because that is what you will be remembered for the most. So if I say I'm going to do something, I do it. End of discussion, no ifs, ands, or buts. This has been harder and harder to do with my worsening condition.

I mean, I resigned from one hell of a job back in 2009 because it was getting harder and harder to keep my word at being able to come in and do what needed to be done. School eventually became so hard for me to go to class, that I have had several instructors/professors start to even question my validity of my condition. (Because I know it's everyone's dream to hobble as I do and use a cane all the time at such a young age!) This is one of the hardest bits to contend with since my back began to take over my life. My word means nothing anymore because I can no longer keep it. I hate that I can no longer be counted on when needed. I took on some debt when I left my ex; I haven't been able to uphold my promise to pay any of that back since last June. Makes me feel like shit too, especially now that the bills have gone to collections.

So the one big thing I'm all about, keeping my word, has come tumbling down around me horribly and at the moment, I can't do anything about it. I'm sure a lot of you are saying, "sure there is..." But it's hard to say that I will be able to do something when I don't even know how much my back will allow me to do. It's not as simple as saying, 'Yes I can' when you're in chronic pain. Some days are easier than others, yes, but most days I'd rather just stay in bed with a heating pad and meds within reach.

Well, guess I shall try to catch a few winks now. Hope y'all have a fantastic Friday!!

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... It's Wednesday... Nothing really exciting today. Other than it's like the day just zoomed by. I really dislike the first week of Daylight Savings Time; it messes up my sense of time! Well, makes it considerably worse... I blame it on when I was born. I was 2 weeks late and haven't been on time since! (At least that's my story... and I'm sticking to it!)

Really nothing happened today. I've been in LaLa Land all day. I haven't even been reading!

So, day 25. Today's lesson was about learning to trust your intuition, that gut feeling. This is one of the hardest things for me to do, especially when my gut ends up being right more times than I care to admit. Like, right before I married my ex. A couple of my friends, my ex, and I went out to eat before the wedding. One of my friends, in joking, asked if I was going to take my soon-to-be (then) husband's last name. I said, "Well..." and the ex breaks in, "You better or there's no wedding." We all took it as a joke, but some part of me started screaming "THIS AIN'T RIGHT! ABORT! ABORT!" On top of the getting lost to the wedding site and a lot of little things before the wedding... Should have listened to myself. Don't get me wrong; my ex isn't some kind of monster. We clicked on a number of things, had respect for each other, and even admiration. How's it put again... our mistakes are lessons learned? If we both hadn't been so bullheaded, we probably could have made it worked. But there comes that time when you just have to say it's better to part now before we get bitter and start living a miserable existence.

The exercise that we did today had you write a letter to God. Then in turn, pause a moment, and write a response from God. It was a little strange. (I mean, what exactly would God say to me?) The exercise was more to loosen you up and to get more comfortable with your inner dialogue. It's kind of amazing how little we listen to that little voice that tries to steer us in the right direction. You ever heard a little voice say to you, "Whoa... Wait a minute... Maybe _____..." when you were in a tricky situation or you were trying to figure something out? How many times have you feigned deafness and then the situation turns out the complete opposite of what you thought it would? Sometimes it's not a bad thing to listen to that little voice.

I did work on my letter to The Guy. Now I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do with it... I should probably tear it up or set fire to it and fully release, but I  have a little bit of hesitation with that. My little voice is telling me to hang on for a couple of days before I do anything. I'm kind of struggling with that though. Then again, if I didn't listen to the little annoying whisper, what would have been the point of today's exercise? *sigh*

Well, that's my excitement for the day... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... Today was so gorgeous!! This beautiful weather is just so welcoming. I feel quite accomplished today; I folded and put away all my laundry! I'm somewhat lazy when it comes to this house chore. Usually I keep all the clean clothes in one area of my room, in a basket, and just grab what I want when I need it. One of my resolutions for this year is to kick that habit. I do laundry every 2 weeks and so far, I've only been lazy once! Even when I was in the military, my basket still held my clean clothes. It was fun in Basic too; thank goodness for that little bit of space in my personal drawer! lol

Not too bad of a back day. I've kind of been pushing myself the last few days and my back is letting me know about it. I've had a few spasms that have sucked. Last night, for whatever reason, I couldn't sleep. I've always had a bit of insomnia, and every so often it manifests. On top of dealing with some little spasms and pain, 0400 was just crazy to be going to bed! And my fur-brother (four legged critter called Jazz; he's a part Chihuahua, part Pomeranian, and all crazy!) decided I needed a wake up call at 0730... OY does not begin to describe it!

Went window shopping with my mom tonight for baby stuff. I finally found the stuffed animal I was wanting to get. There's still some important stuff my brother needs for the little one; Friday will be here before we know it!! Now I have to finish crocheting the blanket I've been working on for a few months. It's just 2 more rows but I just can't bring myself to finish it up!

Today was day 24 in my book journey, which means I'm about halfway through this journey! Wow... crazy to think that. I'm working on my letters to The Guy and The Kid; it's a bit harder than I thought it would be. The lesson today was about your soul's purpose. One way I feel I can explain this is with a quote by Eileen Caddy: "A soul without a high aim is like a ship without a rudder." If you forget to feed your soul's purpose, then you've lost yourself a bit and need to pause and figure out how to find that peace within yourself. The author summarizes it best with this:

As you look to draw toward you the love of your life, remember to first recess deeply into yourself, to examine and explore the overall meaning and aim of this journey we call your life.

We are all on a journey through this world, regardless of where your beginning and end points are. How we make it meaningful to ourselves is to look deep within and do what we feel is right for us. We may stumble here and there, but that's just life testing your balance. We may feel discontent with where we are on our journey. You have to remember to take a breath here and there and that when we are one with ourselves, we are one with our being. And when we find that someone that helps us stay on our paths, that one that adds a bit of life to your journey, then we can look back at the end of the road and say that life was good.

Well, that's all I think I have for today... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... I'm still here!! I didn't realize it had been almost a week since my last post... I've been really zoned out lately. I have fresh meds all around and zone out station here I come! I feel like I'm still trying to recover from my sojourns to and fro everywhere the last couple of weeks; just in time for a travel to my little nephew (I still think I'm going to have a niece...) to make his (ahem, her) debut in this world. No rest for the weary, as the saying goes...

Let's see... I've really not done anything too exciting in a week. Not sure if that's good or bad. I think the highlight of my weekend was how I was able to stay out of the house, on my own, for about 3 hours on Saturday. Probably overdid it a bit, but I felt pretty good that I could go out by myself. And I gotta add that Kohls was crazy busy when I went! I can usually find some good deals there and since I'm unable to fit into most of my jeans except one pair, I figured I'd give it a shot. Found me another pair of Vera Wang jeans for $11.60! They are originally $58! Very happy! (I love Vera Wang; she has such a simplistic, clean look while still being a bit fierce and original.) I also found a cute little top for $8.40 (originally $28!). Definitely made the day extra happy for me. (I've always hit the sale racks before I look at the non-sale stuff... I had 8 formals in high school. With the exception of one dress where I paid full price (ain't no way I'd let my mom would pay $130 for one dress!), I didn't spend anything over $20 for a dress. And I looked like a goddess in every one of them too!) A couple of months ago, my mom and I were at a store and I spotted a bathing suit. It just happened to be my size and after I tried it on, it is now waiting for the right weather and a nice pool to chillax in... Originally $68; my mom paid $3.27, with tax. I'm good like that...

Okay; now that I've prattled on about nothing (as usual), I will now go on about how my 49-day journey is going. I'm now into my 4th week, day 23. The end of the 3rd week, there was a release ceremony. It was the culmination of week 2 and 3. A lot of it was really personal and not really for public viewing. (Sorry to disappoint.) There is still one more thing, one more release that I need to do and I've been wrestling with it for a long time now (since about September of last year). I didn't realize how much I really needed to let go until yesterday's exercise...

Yesterday's focus was on visioning your future. The exercise at the end of the "lesson" was a meditation on what fulfillment of love would look like in the future for me. When I meditated completely with that in mind, I had a glimpse of what is in store for me. The realization hit me that in order to get there, I have to completely let go of two people. As hard as it is for me to face, my journey to heal myself and find life again cannot properly proceed until I've released The Guy and The Kid. I'm working on one of those letters that you put everything in and then burn (or in my case, tear up) to release fully and completely. (Why do I feel so nervous about that in even just thinking about the letter?)

Which actually coincides with what I worked on today-Setting an Intention. The lesson was how to set intentions and how to rethink getting there... Pretty much "if you think you can, you will"-type of thinking. It's reminding you that the way you think about a situation strongly influences the outcome. One of the affirmations I pondered and meditated on was "If I believe it possible, it is not impossible." I can't remember who said that, but I'm quite certain I happened upon it some time ago. (And if not, then I made it up--please don't steal it!!)

So what does my realization of letting go of The Guy and The Kid have to do with my journey? Well, I thought that I had released them a bit ago. Sure, you can look back a few blogs and not be surprised when and how many times I mentioned The Guy. But I thought that I had released the ties that bind in order to go through this new journey to and for me. It wasn't until my meditation and today that I realized I really hadn't, not completely. I can't fully expect to find that feeling I had in meditation and the few things I saw by holding on to something that isn't there and probably never was. (Like that mirage of "oh, pretty lights! CRAP! those are headlights to a car--run!") Today reinforced that notion that I need to release in order to fully move forward.

Well, I think that covers it for today... I promise to not stay away for too long!

Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... My body decided I needed sleep today... I didn't wake up until noon today! Geez... I woke up around 9:30, but after a brief conversation with the Boots Lady, I went back to bed. I did feel better when I finally crawled out of bed, though I hate feeling like a bum like that...

Since I wasn't very well yesterday, nor have much energy, I didn't get a chance to relay my appointment. It was productive, you could say. The doc thinks that surgery could actually make my symptoms worse. The plus is that not only does he think that I don't need surgery now, he's pretty confident that I won't ever need surgery. He suggested looking into aqua-therapy, something where the weight is taken off yet there is still resistant. He also thought doing a bio-feedback study would be beneficial. I'm even thinking about giving physical therapy another shot; maybe I'll finally get someone who can get me and get my back where I want to be. I think at the moment I'd be willing to jump in a crick butt naked if someone said it'd be good for me...

On to my 49-day journey now... Yesterday and today deals with the underlying issues from childhood that form some of your habits. Like when you're told as a kid that "you're stupid," when you really aren't, and how your delicate little mind in childhood decides to either be the smartest kid in class or to fail and continue to do so to prove that you're stupid. The story that the author relayed was about a chick who was always under pressure to be perfect. She developed eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) as a way for her to cope with the anxiety and pressure. She felt that when she purged, she was purging the things that wouldn't make her perfect. The author was able to get the chick see how destructive this pattern was and that the ideal of being perfect was poppycock. When the chick started believing in her own self-worth and in herself, she finally had the strength to go against what everyone else wanted of her and make her own way.

Today dealt more with how some of the issues you experience from your parents and their treatment of you growing up. Like how you don't have one parent in the picture and how that lack of attention, love, or whatever other void in your life was created by that experience. The author suggests that we should find those voids and fulfill them in ourselves to become whole. The longer we neglect ourselves, the more it reflects in our relations with others. The harder we ignore these hurts and voids, the more we look for a quick fix by entering into a relationship that is doomed to fail from the beginning.

A good example of this from my own experience is my ex-husband. It's said we have a tendency to marry our father/mother. As much as I hate to admit it, there are considerable parallels between my ex and bio thing. That safety and permanency I looked for in my relationship with my bio thing was fulfilled in my relationship with my ex. Then after the marriage failed, there was still this void. When I was doing the online dating thing, I found a guy that reminded me of both of them. It wasn't obvious at first, but after I met the guy, when I was trying to figure out whether to keep or not, it hit me. And not just once; the twice part made me laugh. Needless to say I didn't proceed after that first meeting... I can safely say that after I made the correlation, I've not been in search of my bio thing. While I still feel that need of being safe, it's more a reflection of me and my need to be stable and solid (if that makes any sense).

Well, I think that's it for the night... Until next time... CIAO!

So, yeah... It's been a slow day in the newsroom today. Nothing really of import. The back is up to its same tricks. It's been an interesting sort of day trying to do much of anything besides sitting. yay *sigh*

I go to the orthopeadic surgeon tomorrow to go over the bone scan. That should be really neat. Hope I can actually walk... Very thankful that my momma is going with me. Not really looking forward to the car ride part. It's only about an hour and a half one way, but after this last week's wonderful trips, my back is ready for some down time!

Let's see... I'm on day 16 in my new, exciting journey. I'm not trying to avoid adding this part lately in my posts, just a lot of more private issues that I'm sorting through. I feel I'm making some strides in putting some past hurts as a kid to rest. Can't remember what day I left ya at... This week (starting yesterday) deals more about some of the habits and thought patterns that develop in childhood. It's been rather intriguing delving deeper into some issues that I thought I had made peace with long ago. And I'm actually surprised in how those thoughts and patterns continuously show themselves.

Like how my biological sperm donor and I have never really had a relationship. I've given him plenty of opportunity to be a real father to me and stand up for and with me, but time and again he chose his "other" family over me. (Now, I don't really have anything against my stepmother or stepsisters. They're not bad people and I don't blame them for the rift. My bio thing is an adult and very capable of making decisions on his own.) I thought we had patched things up, and started over with a clean slate in 2005. Though, if you noticed, I still refer to him as my "biological sperm donor." It takes a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper to make a father. (I'm happy to note here that I share part of my last name-the part after the hyphen-with the man that I consider my father. Score one for one of the nice things that came out of my divorce!) I finally realize that all I was doing was setting myself up for failure. How does this translate to my relationships and the cycles I find myself repeating? Well, it goes something about not letting someone close enough to hurt me. I've had so much disappointment from someone who is supposed to love me, that I find it hard to trust anyone to get close to me, to love and be loved unconditionally and unobstructed. Weird how this one little thing could wreak so much havoc!!

Well, I believe I will leave you now. My cat is starting to take over my lap and typing is rather interesting at the moment...

Until next time... CIAO!