So, yeah… Haven’t really kept to my resolutions so far… Just been going through some stuffs and can’t seem to organize my thoughts properly. I feel all over the place some days; other days I just want to stay in bed and not get out. While it’s true that I have so much going for me right now, the battles within rarely still. Been missing the Old Man quite a bit lately too. Not entirely sure why; guess I just miss talking to him.

Good side of things, though, is the spasms and pain have settled just enough to let me start Yogalates again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good when I do something like yoga or yogalates. My spine has been feeling sore lately too. But I’m tired of sitting around and not doing anything. Maybe if I push myself and show my back who’s boss, it’ll start letting me do what I want to do. Guess we shall see…

More good side of things: my doc believes me and the pain that I have. I had an appointment a couple weeks back and she wanted to brainstorm with some colleagues to see if there might be something we’re missing or overlooking. My doc had made the comment that she sees a lot of people who pretend to be in a lot of pain just to get the meds. Now, my doc is awesome. She doesn’t hold any punches. She’s one of those call-it-like she-sees-it type person. And while I’ve seen the doc only 3 times, she can see the genuineness in my pleas for a better life without narcotics (hell, without meds period). The fact that she also understands that my situation is going to be with me until the day I die, helps us both to have an understanding of trying to get this under control a bit more. It’s amazing to be in this place.

I feel like I finally have a doc that wants to be proactive and not just treat the symptoms. Finally, someone who wants to listen and not just pass me through the system. Okay, yes, I have had some good doctors. So many of them have tried and exhausted resources to get to the bottom of it all. I’m thankful for all the good and bad docs. And I can’t hold anything against the bad ones. I can understand why they aren’t as willing to believe me when they have so many other patients that try to manipulate their situations.

The most frustrating to me, though, is how I used to be so active and now I have troubles at just getting out of bed. I can’t explain why one day I can run a marathon and the next I have to use my cane just to get down the hall to the bathroom. But it’s the truth. I can handle the pain and most of the spasms, even though it takes more energy to pretend I’m okay. And that’s probably my downfall; I use a good amount of my energies hiding the pain and spasms and how much they truly take out of me. I can hide it all pretty decently up to a certain point. Then I just have to med up and veg out. It’s hard. And I’ve been doing it for 10 years now. 10 years… I thought for sure after a year or two, whatever is wrong would have been found and I’d be on the mend, never having to deal with this again. I still hope and look forward to the day I’ll be able to do whatever I want and not worry about wasted energy on hiding.

But enough of that now… I know that I could have things worse than what I do. I’m fortunate enough to know what love is, from family, friends, London. I’m fortunate that I’m not some sad veteran statistic. I’m so fortunate to be where I am in life, even if it isn’t where I thought I would be by now. I have daily reminders of these things. And I’m so thankful of them.

Well, guess I’ll sign off for now… Eyelids are starting to get harder to stay open… Hope all is good and well in your neck of the woods!!

Until next time… CIAO!