So, yeah… Slowly trying to adjust to the new year, even if we are a week into it! Hope everyone had a nice holiday and rung in the new year with those most important to you!!

I’ve made a promise to myself for this year: LIVE. I preach a lot about not letting your circumstances interfere with life. Sometimes, though, I forget this and start down a dangerous slope that can lead to darkness. Then the bad thoughts begin. But not because I want to leave life; it’s more I’m just tired of all the pain. This may be a revelation to my family (and I do ask for your forgiveness), as I don’t really like talking about the darkness, most especially to them. I love life, really. And I can not begin to describe how thankful I am that I’m here, have a loving family and just so many positives to light my path when I sink. There are just days that the pain and spasms I experience are so much, that, well, I just want it to stop.

The Old Man had 3 separate back operations over his lifetime, all in the prime of his life. The thing that was most unique about my relationship with my Dadi was how open and honest he was with me about everything. We could talk for hours about music or movies or just all the fun (and highly illegal) times he had in the military. Then, when I started having my own back pains, we bonded over drugs and pain. (I know that’s a strange combo, but I’m not exactly a normal person…) And not the usual aches and pains; the pains of how it all touches so much quality of life. I always listened to his cautions about the road sometimes going dark and the feeling of despair devouring the light, making it feel as if you’re the only one on the darkest of roads. I thought I’d never get there; I’m always positive, always smiling, and always trying to find that one spot of sun when it rains. I never thought I’d ever experience the darkness as the Old Man had described…

It’s been 10 years since the pain and spasms decided to set in. (Happy Anniversary to me?) And, still, 10 years on, there is no rhyme or reason or concrete diagnosis. I’ve gotten docs who believe me, but have no clue as to a course of action to heal me. I’ve gotten complete nutters who think that if I just exercise the other side of my back out, I’ll cure the 39.5-degree curve in my spine. I’ve gotten docs who say, point blank, no holds bar: You can’t possibly be in as much pain as you say you experience. (Takes every fiber in my being to hold back the urge to slap the shit out of them and leave.) Then I get the docs that fall somewhere in between all this and still can’t offer a prognosis or treatment plan. It’s been a very frustrating 10 years… and some days I just want the pain and spasms to just stop. For good.

It’s nothing against any one person or anything. I’m just so tired of the whole deal with my back. I’ve gone from being able to running 2-miles in about 19 minutes to taking 19 minutes to walk from the car into a store or the library. Okay, that’s a gross exaggeration; it only takes me 18 minutes, 59 seconds… Truth is, and in all honesty, 5 minutes tops, and that’s with me parking in a handicapped spot. Since I’ve started taking medications, and more with the narcotics side of them, my blood pressure and resting heart rates have gone from 110/65 & 65 (and, yes, I was breathing at the time!) to 140/90 & 95-115. (Believe me; I’ve looked at the records in my military records. Even when I was rushed, hot, and panting getting to an appointment, my bp & hr were close to all that!) I’m not even sure, nor do I even want to think, about how the meds have made homes on the rest of my body…

Getting back to my main 2013 resolution… Because of my brush with the darkest recesses of my path, I want to finally live and enjoy life. Fully. 100% in the now. I have the most loving and adoring familia, an amazing guy who makes me feel like I’m the center of his world, and a want to just piss the darkness into never, ever touching me; I am declaring this to be my year. I declare it to be the most abundant, the most loving, the most joyful, the most amazing year ever. And not just for me; for you as well! We all deserve to have the positives and joys of life to move forward every day. It’s hard to always look up and smile, but it’s harder to admit there are follies around you that are just looking for that one moment of weakness to pull you down. I refuse to let the darkness blot out the brightest of lights on my path of life. And that is my promise to me, to my family, to London, and to you. And believe me, when I promise to do something, I do it! (Regardless of whatever obstacle(s) may present themselves and try to force me off the path of accomplishment.)

So, 2013, bring it! I’m ready to get back to life with unimagined tenacity and strength and courage like no one has seen before!!

Until next time… CIAO!