So, yeah… How’s it?? This cold weather then warm weather then cold again crap needs to stop… One day I can conquer the world, the next, Leo has to be my alarm to kick my ass into gear. Not that many days left out on the Lake. Kind of nice that the season is coming to a close; my body is so starting to hate me more than normal. But it also sucks since no one else wants to take a chance on this ol’ disabled vet. I just hope I don’t drive my family (and vice versa) crazy over the next few months, in between this season ending and next year’s starts…

The back isn’t doing too bad, but it’s really starting to tell me just how wrong I am for taking this on. I can’t help it! Of the three job interviews I did a few months ago, I walked into two with my cane. The third place didn’t see my cane, yet I was honest about my back and told my supervisor and the lake manager about it. And the one where I didn’t use my cane, well, they’re the only ones who took a chance. I can’t scream discrimination because: 1) I was honest about my abilities (and disabilities) and 2) Though I have the experience and knowledge to do a certain job, it doesn’t quite translate well on my resume, so there’s always someone more qualified. I get it. Still doesn’t take the sting out of it all…

London will be here next Monday. (Yeah, the 5th!) And he’ll be staying for 12 days… I am so totally getting nervous!! I know words can be written. I know words can be spoken. Words can either cut or heal, be a hello or goodbye, give life or death. But here’s the thing: words can just be words until life is breathed into them. I know that carrying on a conversation with anyone, via whatever form, is never an easy task and words can seem a little one-dimensional. While I believe and feel that London is the real deal, I can’t wait to look into his eyes, his soul, and feel what is behind the words. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions get stirred up during the day when I think about him or even getting the chance to talk with him. I feel he’s very much like me; I never say anything unless I mean it. Which is nice, but being so far away from one another makes hard to really hear the words in their intended meaning.

I may sound like a pretty decent wordsmith on here, but when it comes to real life, words fail me. Miserably more often than not… When it comes to affairs of the heart, it’s so hard for me to share that world with anyone. So many people have left me along my journey of life that I never feel 100% committed to anyone until that one moment that comes and they never leave. (Most especially since all this crap has come about with my back. I always give an out, but reality is that I want someone to stay with me through all the ups and downs with it. It’s a lot to ask, I know, but surely there’s at least one good person who looks beyond that and wants to be right beside me as I endure as I can.) It’s one of the hardest things for me to work on, to not let someone else’s mistake or abandonment leave a bitter taste in my mouth and to give someone a chance. It’s so hard to just let go and let the good show me more than I’ve ever been shown. And I think that’s why it feels so different with London than with anyone I’ve ever thought of being with. It scares me that I feel more open to letting the good stuff in and to just enjoy the moment, to just let life do its thang and take it as it is, especially with London.

I started something with London about a week or so after we began e-mailing on our personal accounts, away from the safety net of the online dating service communications. He doesn’t really get a chance to enjoy much of life’s simplest pleasures due to his job. At first, I started with just a picture of the lake and the beach where I work. (Nice shots to just imagine yourself there and take a minute to breath…) Then I began shooting sunrises and sunsets. So now, every day I work, I shoot whichever I’m on shift to experience. It’s become one of those small guilty pleasures I share with London. I always feel like there’s a small part of him with me when I take those pictures. Like there’s that real possibility of watching many, many more with him, next to him. I’ve never been able to imagine that, having someone with me, beside me as I travel down those paths less traveled. And that scares the hell out of me; I feel as though I’m in uncharted territory, but in a good way, I think…

I’m trying to let my head rule my heart for once. I’m trying so hard not to be a lovesick puppy. But with each day passing it’s just getting harder and harder to use that rational side of my brain. What’s the most unreal about London and me is how alike we are in thoughts; so, if I know my end of things, how far along is he? Has he surpassed me? And if he has, would he forgive me for being a little slower about things? Guess we’ll see how it all falls in about a week. (Does anyone have a cure for acrobatic butterflies in the tummy? I’m seriously not sure how to tame them, and nothing I’ve tried seems to help!)

Well, that’s pretty much all that’s going on in my world right now… I’ve got something brewing in the family that I so want to just go off on, but after getting that out about London and all that jazz, I think I want to stew a couple of days and end on something positive. Probably best I get the whole story before I start something. (Like finding the spot to bury the body… Er, um, you didn’t read that…) Hope all is well in your little corner of the world, truly!!

Until next time… CIAO!!

So, yeah… I promised not to stay gone for long… HERE I AM!!

I feel like so much is going on… I’ve definitely been busy. I saw the Boots Lady in the kitchen this morning before I went to the Lake. She waltzes in and was like, “Who are you??” And then laughed at the joke! My schedule has been so crazy, I hardly have time to do more than eat and sleep. I’m not complaining; I really do enjoy my daily outings and just having a chance to mingle with people not in my family. (Not that I don’t love mi familia, but it’s nice to know people outside the circle of trust!) The lake season is ending at the end of the month and I hope that I don’t go crazy before April, when the new season begins and I get the chance to harass people again! Yes, you read correctly; next season. As far as my supervisor is concerned, I’m going to be on staff for next year. You have know idea how much that boosts my confidence. I’ve not really had much of a chance since my discharge from the military to show that I do work hard and, while I have a few interesting days with my back, I can be part of the team and hold my own. It makes me want to work even harder knowing that the boss and the big boss want me to come back next year. I feel valued and that I actually matter. Plus, I get to see just how dark my tan can get… I forgot to take pictures of how golden I got just in a month. I’m starting to fade since the sun is now in fall mode…

Had a not so fun day with the back today. I started having spasms around 1230-ish. Then, after I left the lake, I went to the library. As I was getting out of the car, I have one hell of a spasm hit me mid back. And I had another big spasm hit not more than 15 seconds after that one. Absolutely pissed me off!! Took me by surprise at the intensity and back-to-back combo. I had to walk rather slow to make sure I didn’t trigger anything else. Completely drained me of any energy I had at that moment. I keep having all these intense spasms and moments where I just have to stop what I’m doing because of intense bouts of pain. It can be scary some days. And I won’t even go into how some days I feel like I’m dragging my right foot… (I think I’m lifting my leg and foot, but then I feel a drag along the ground.) Yet, there isn’t a thing wrong with me and I’m imagining everything, all because I don’t have a strong core.

And now on to happier thoughts and events: London! Wow. I just don’t know how to explain it. You ever just click with someone immediately and you just know that they will be in your life for more than a day or two? And the funny thing is, we haven’t yet met in person! We’re Skyping and talking to one another over the phone whenever we can. During the day we IM like crazy. He’s been having a really stressful week this week and it’s killing me not being close enough to do anything to help it not be so stressful. I feel kind of guilty too; he stays up late just to be able to talk to me for a little bit. Makes me feel like I’m somebody important when he does. Especially with his crazy busy job! Every day that I get a chance to talk with him, or read an e-mail from him, or a text/IM, it’s like all’s right in the world. Some days it feels like I’ve known him all my life and like we’re just catching up when coming back from a trip. There’s a million other things, too, but I’m just going to enjoy and keep them to myself… A girl’s gotta keep some of her daydreams and thoughts to herself; it’s no fun sharing everything! (And if I’m dreaming all this up, leave me be… I’m really having such a wonderful time and would rather stay in the fantasy than come back to reality!)

Well, guess I best be skid-daddling… I keep nodding off and having some difficulties remembering where this train is going at the moment…

Have an awesome Friday and I’ll catch y’all in a couple of days!! Until then… CIAO!!

So, yeah… What day is this again?? Geez… I seem to be losing time and days again, but I think (ok… probably more like think) it’s all for the right reasons this time around. Hope everyone has been well and all is good in your neck of the woods…

The back is starting to show me just what it thinks of the job. Mostly been having good days, but it’s starting to have a bit of an increase to bad beginnings. It always seems to do that, my back. I had a check up with my primary care manager (PCM) last Wednesday. I was really excited about how my back is allowing me (even if only for the moment) to enjoy watching boats. And I told her (my PCM) that I was able to lower my pain med intake in half. (Though, I’ve had to go back to my original dose lately because the back just doesn’t like that lower dosage much…) It’s not like I’m not trying to be careful; it can be a pain in the arse (sometimes quite literally) if I’m careless. But I’m gaining the confidence in myself once more. Then yesterday came and the cane made a cameo on the beach again. Very frustrating. I’m feeling another round coming on, but I’m trying to be good and not overdo it. There’s so many things I want to do around the lake, but I also need to walk. Decisions, decisions…

Guess who I get to see this weekend?? (No, it’s not London…) Give ya a hint: he was my birthday present this year from my baby brother and his girl… Yep! The Stell Man!! And I get to spend all Friday with him; hope he doesn’t mind hanging with his auntie. Should be pretty interesting trying to get the hang of one another.

I’ve made a huge discovery in the last few weeks. One day at the beach, I was going through my phone and saw some old texts. I came across a conversation I had with my baby brother right after I broke up with The Guy. For the first time, I didn’t feel any attachments about the situation or to The Guy and The Kid. I mean, yes, it happened. But I don’t feel any burdens or entanglements like I’ve been agonizing over for the past year. I know I’ll always wonder how they are, but I finally feel as if I can pursue my destiny, whatever it is and wherever I may go, without them hanging in the wings. I never thought I’d get here… Maybe I’ve been here for a while and just not realized it. It’s kind of a nice feeling knowing I’m moving on because I’m ready to do so without any clouds hanging over me or whoever I move forward in life with.

And on to London, which I think helped me come to my realization about The Guy and The Kid… Okay, so I did the online thing and found a few prospects. Well, there’s only one and has been only one for some time now. No one has really caught my fancy anywhere near where London has. I’ll try not to sound like a lovesick puppy, but, wow. It’s been so incredible getting to know him. He’s super smart, knows how to make me laugh, and every conversation I have with him is just so organic. We may have a pause here and there, but that’s natural. And it doesn’t take long before some thought comes into the picture and we’re off to the races again! The more I get to know him, the more I’m certain that for once I’m doing it right: building a foundation for something more sustainable than just a passing cloud or moment. It scares me like no other, but it’s kind of exhilarating at the same time. I just know that I’m enjoying getting to know this beautiful person, inside and out.

The most amazing thing about it all is how alike we seem to be. It’s funny; on paper, we’re complete opposites. And I do mean COMPLETE OPPOSITES. He’s got a PhD in Laser Physics; I’ve only done 2 years of college and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up (if I ever do!). We’re from two completely different backgrounds. He’s a rebel; I’m the law (well, used to be -ish). However, we’re finding more similarities than humanly possible. It’s like we’re of one mind, yet there are enough differences to be our own, freethinking individual. It’s scary to think that there’s one of me in the world, but I’ve found another! He even gets just as animated as I do when he’s talking! (Are ya scared yet??) London and I keep joking about how we probably shouldn’t touch each other when we finally meet for the first time. There might be some cosmic anomaly that will either cause one (or both) of us, or even the planet, to disintegrate into oblivion. Or, maybe the universe! Guess we’ll see next month when he visits… (And does anyone have a cure for butterflies in the tummy? I can’t seem to shake them lately, especially when I talk to London or get a message of some sort from him… Weird…)

So that’s what’s going on in Jayme’s World lately… Not really much going on, but definitely some big steps and hurdles being taken. I guess I’ll never know if there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow if I never follow the rainbow, right? I’ll try not to be so long in between blogs; I make no guarantees with the schedule I’m keeping right now!

Well, I’ll let you go for now so you can get back to the more important things in life…

Until next time… CIAO!!