April 26, 2012
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Work in progress
“And only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live in every experience, painful or joyous; to live in gratitude for every moment, to live abundantly.” ~Dorothy Thompson
So, yeah… Inspiration has struck, finally, to where I can write about my 49-day journey to self-discovery/rediscovery in the form of Katherine Woodward Thomas’s book, Calling In “The One.” I started the book more for the work that it does on the person rather than the calling in. And if you’re completely honest with yourself, the groundwork can cause a paradigm that is indescribable. While I glanced at the book before buying it, I wasn’t prepared for the transformation that would happen.
What brought me to this 49-day journey was my need and want to move on from The Guy and that relationship. I wasn’t aware that throughout the journey how I would see the cracks in the foundation of that relationship and how they would be brought to light. I thought that I had the perfect relationship, one that would lead to a lifetime of everything good. This journey made me take a really good look at my past relationships and why they failed so miserably. And I found the peace to put them in the past and to learn from my failures to sustain them.
In my younger days, I came to be known as a heartbreaker. My average relationship would last for about 3 weeks; I’d find some kind of annoyance with the guy and then breakup. Some would say, ‘oh, you’re just being young and cavalier…’ Sure… But when I let the pattern stay in my life up until I married my ex, well, that’s just being a bitch. I never really took into account that these guys I dated would have feelings or be anything more than just a “thang.” True; some relationships had good reasons for a break up. But this unsettling pattern is just not right or fair to the male populace.
After my divorce, I decided that I needed to rethink a few things about relationships, especially if I wanted to have someone share my life. On top of my small steps to re-train my attitude, my back started to take small steps towards where I am now. So, not only do I have a different perspective of what a relationship is and is not, I needed to find someone who would be okay with me and my new situation. (I really dislike saying disabled for it brings up images of someone unable to do things for themselves, at least to me. I am very capable of living a fairly normal life, with a few modifications here and there.) I’ve dated a few guys since my divorce and all of them have been absolutely beautiful in accepting my little slow down. Everyone seems to accept me, cane and all, but me…
When I started this journey, I was looking forward to tearing down some walls and rebuilding my foundation. Through work with the book and voluntarily seeing a shrink, I feel I’ve made so many leaps and bounds. (Figuratively, of course… I probably would be in the hospital if I actually did that at the moment!
) I’m rediscovering myself and slowly accepting the reality with my back. I may not care too much for it, but I’m working on it. And that’s the point, at least for me. I feel as if I were to get into a relationship tomorrow, I have a solid foundation to build upon. And build the most amazing and incredible relationship I’ve or the world has ever known. I feel the most confident about myself than I have in such a long time. I feel as though I have the courage to love and be loved in return, and I’ve never felt like that before.Robert Frost has a poem called The Road Less Traveled. My freshman year of high school, my English teacher put a challenge to the class that if anyone would care for some extra credit, memorize it and recite it for her. I never took her up on this; after all, English is one of favorite subjects and I can do rather well in it… The poem always stuck with me, especially with the last stanza. I feel it speaking to me now. I can take the path that’s been traversed and looks all pretty, but what adventures would I miss by doing that?
“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
(My favorite part of The Road Less Traveled, Robert Frost)
I’m okay walking down an unknown path. Had this been prior to this 49-day journey, I would’ve been perpetuating the heartbreak cycle once again. I knew I needed change. I needed to heal old wounds. I needed to search myself and find my heart’s true desires. I needed to let go of my relationship with The Guy and The Kid. I needed to find my wings again. And it seems so strange that I could do so much in 7 weeks, but it worked for me. I feel different, in a good way. I feel healed and ready to grab life and love and make the best run I possibly can. I’m a work in progress and always will be until the day I’m scattered to the four winds.
Well, I think that’s it for me tonight. Until next time… CIAO!
