March 31, 2012
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To: The Guy
“Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves… us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” ~Henry Miller
So, yeah… I don’t think I could put it any way better. This journey I’ve been on since last August seems to finally make sense. Not that it hasn’t made some sense to me, but coming across that quote a few days back, it really helps everything fall into place. And somehow it feels like a victory lap to me…
I know I’ve not really been here this week; I’ve just been lazy. Every time I do get on here, to check the blogs I follow, I just didn’t feel any inspiration to write. Today, though, I feel my muse close by and inspiration flowing freely.
My 49-day journey to rediscovering myself is almost over. I am on day 42! One more week… Seems like yesterday I started this incredible journey back to me. So many other things that I was unaware of have a place finally, and peacefulness and rest are with them. It feels amazing to really be true to myself, to really be open about some issues. I feel almost energized to start a trek to really put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. It’s not so much I’ve not been employing all that I’ve learned; I’ve just not been actively putting myself out there to do so. Most of that has to do with my inability to let the positive forces that be work their magic. This week’s journey has been about A Life Worth Living. And today’s exercise really opened me up to what has really been holding me back. It’s interesting what happens when you just write without really thinking, without any restrictions.
Most of the blogs I’ve had since my entrance into the Xanga community have a central theme revolving around my meltdown last year and The Guy & The Kid. I started this 49-day journey to myself (in the form of Calling In “The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas) as a bit of a challenge. From my glances at it before fully committing myself, I saw it more as an opportunity to work on me. I never expected to go through this journey and feel like a complete transformation would happen. I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t up to changing, but I didn’t expect to really heal and transform myself. I didn’t realize that so much metamorphosis would happen to me. I had hoped that by the end of this 49-day journey I would feel more at peace with my meltdown and the loss of The Guy & The Kid. Today I finally felt that release…
Today we centered on how to speak up, in a relationship, in life. (And while I could write a novella about that in itself, I’m trying to have a real point in here about the biggest growth I feel I finally attained today.) In the exercise, one of the questions asked was about appreciation. What appreciation have I been withholding, and from who? Ever since my abrupt leaving of The Guy and The Kid, I’ve looked at it as a loss. What I’ve been failing to really appreciate about the situation was how The Guy, while upset how it all went down, let me go so I could get better. While I will always have a regret with how everything went down, I finally feel as though I have some peace with it all. He saw I was hurting, that something was a little off about things, and he made that decision to let me go so I could become the woman I am finding now. I’ll never be able to thank him for that, but if I did, it would probably go something like…
To The Guy: Thank you. I know you were doing what was best for you and The Kid. I know now that while I disappointed and hurt you two, I want to thank you for letting me go. The journey you let me seek is one that I could never have taken had you not given me the freedom I needed to do it. I couldn’t see that I wasn’t completely ready to accept all that you and The Kid were giving freely to me. I hope you know how much I really do appreciate you for standing your ground and doing the best thing possible for you, The Kid, the situation, for me. I will forever be grateful for everything you taught me, directly and indirectly. -me
Yeah… something like that.
Well, I believe I will go for now and try to do something a bit productive for the day. Maybe go outside and enjoy a little sun and gorgeous weather!! My goodness is it ever beautiful!
Until next time… CIAO!
