March 16, 2012

  • Integrity

    So, yeah... Not really anything new here today. Back is still being a punk, but I'm going to stay somewhat strong and ignore it. (Yeah, I know: not the smartest thing for me to do!) Tomorrow is too important for me to care what kind of punk my back wants to be; my baby brother will be a daddy and I will have another *achoo-niece-cough* nephew joining this world. :) I'm so excited I can't quite fall asleep just yet.  Though the morning will come too quick, I gots some good, upbeat stuff on my music player to keep me awake tomorrow (or today since it's after midnight here!). Plus, as long as it's not a military briefing, I think I'll be okay. ;) I still have those two darned rows to crochet; I'm leaving that for the waiting for the delivery part. That won't take long as long as I'm jamming out...

    Today's journey (day 26) talked about integrity. Now, when I saw that, my mind immediately started repeating the Air Force core values... Integrity first! Service before self! Excellence in all we do! Kinda hard not to hear integrity and not wander back to Basic (or Barbie Camp according to my TI/Drill Sergeant). You repeat the dang core values so much, I bet I probably still say them in my sleep. The Air Force drills it in ya that basically integrity is just doing the right thing, especially when no one is looking. Pretty cut and dry really. It's also a value that many people today seem to lack. (All you gotta do is look around and you have the biggest example of this; the housing practices that landed us in some bad times lacked a certain integrity to our country. Even if it had been one person standing up to what was going on behind the scenes, we couldn't avoid it, but at least some concern early enough would have raised some flag somewhere that something was off...)

    The lesson today dealt more with our personal integrity. How we relate to others and that impact it can have on us. Like saying we'll help a friend move. When the day arrives, what do you do? Do you stay true to your promise to help? Or do you find someway of getting out of it? This is where I have struggled most since all this crap has started with my back. I was taught a young age that you stay true to your words, your promise, not matter because that is what you will be remembered for the most. So if I say I'm going to do something, I do it. End of discussion, no ifs, ands, or buts. This has been harder and harder to do with my worsening condition.

    I mean, I resigned from one hell of a job back in 2009 because it was getting harder and harder to keep my word at being able to come in and do what needed to be done. School eventually became so hard for me to go to class, that I have had several instructors/professors start to even question my validity of my condition. (Because I know it's everyone's dream to hobble as I do and use a cane all the time at such a young age!) This is one of the hardest bits to contend with since my back began to take over my life. My word means nothing anymore because I can no longer keep it. I hate that I can no longer be counted on when needed. I took on some debt when I left my ex; I haven't been able to uphold my promise to pay any of that back since last June. Makes me feel like shit too, especially now that the bills have gone to collections.

    So the one big thing I'm all about, keeping my word, has come tumbling down around me horribly and at the moment, I can't do anything about it. I'm sure a lot of you are saying, "sure there is..." But it's hard to say that I will be able to do something when I don't even know how much my back will allow me to do. It's not as simple as saying, 'Yes I can' when you're in chronic pain. Some days are easier than others, yes, but most days I'd rather just stay in bed with a heating pad and meds within reach.

    Well, guess I shall try to catch a few winks now. Hope y'all have a fantastic Friday!!

    Until next time... CIAO!