March 13, 2012

  • Meditative revelations

    So, yeah... I'm still here!! I didn't realize it had been almost a week since my last post... I've been really zoned out lately. I have fresh meds all around and zone out station here I come! I feel like I'm still trying to recover from my sojourns to and fro everywhere the last couple of weeks; just in time for a travel to my little nephew (I still think I'm going to have a niece...) to make his (ahem, her) debut in this world. :) No rest for the weary, as the saying goes...

    Let's see... I've really not done anything too exciting in a week. Not sure if that's good or bad. I think the highlight of my weekend was how I was able to stay out of the house, on my own, for about 3 hours on Saturday. Probably overdid it a bit, but I felt pretty good that I could go out by myself. And I gotta add that Kohls was crazy busy when I went! I can usually find some good deals there and since I'm unable to fit into most of my jeans except one pair, I figured I'd give it a shot. Found me another pair of Vera Wang jeans for $11.60! They are originally $58! :) Very happy! (I love Vera Wang; she has such a simplistic, clean look while still being a bit fierce and original.) I also found a cute little top for $8.40 (originally $28!). Definitely made the day extra happy for me. (I've always hit the sale racks before I look at the non-sale stuff... I had 8 formals in high school. With the exception of one dress where I paid full price (ain't no way I'd let my mom would pay $130 for one dress!), I didn't spend anything over $20 for a dress. And I looked like a goddess in every one of them too!) A couple of months ago, my mom and I were at a store and I spotted a bathing suit. It just happened to be my size and after I tried it on, it is now waiting for the right weather and a nice pool to chillax in... Originally $68; my mom paid $3.27, with tax. I'm good like that... :)

    Okay; now that I've prattled on about nothing (as usual), I will now go on about how my 49-day journey is going. I'm now into my 4th week, day 23. The end of the 3rd week, there was a release ceremony. It was the culmination of week 2 and 3. A lot of it was really personal and not really for public viewing. (Sorry to disappoint.) There is still one more thing, one more release that I need to do and I've been wrestling with it for a long time now (since about September of last year). I didn't realize how much I really needed to let go until yesterday's exercise...

    Yesterday's focus was on visioning your future. The exercise at the end of the "lesson" was a meditation on what fulfillment of love would look like in the future for me. When I meditated completely with that in mind, I had a glimpse of what is in store for me. The realization hit me that in order to get there, I have to completely let go of two people. As hard as it is for me to face, my journey to heal myself and find life again cannot properly proceed until I've released The Guy and The Kid. I'm working on one of those letters that you put everything in and then burn (or in my case, tear up) to release fully and completely. (Why do I feel so nervous about that in even just thinking about the letter?)

    Which actually coincides with what I worked on today-Setting an Intention. The lesson was how to set intentions and how to rethink getting there... Pretty much "if you think you can, you will"-type of thinking. It's reminding you that the way you think about a situation strongly influences the outcome. One of the affirmations I pondered and meditated on was "If I believe it possible, it is not impossible." I can't remember who said that, but I'm quite certain I happened upon it some time ago. (And if not, then I made it up--please don't steal it!!)

    So what does my realization of letting go of The Guy and The Kid have to do with my journey? Well, I thought that I had released them a bit ago. Sure, you can look back a few blogs and not be surprised when and how many times I mentioned The Guy. But I thought that I had released the ties that bind in order to go through this new journey to and for me. It wasn't until my meditation and today that I realized I really hadn't, not completely. I can't fully expect to find that feeling I had in meditation and the few things I saw by holding on to something that isn't there and probably never was. (Like that mirage of "oh, pretty lights! CRAP! those are headlights to a car--run!") Today reinforced that notion that I need to release in order to fully move forward.

    Well, I think that covers it for today... I promise to not stay away for too long!

    Until next time... CIAO!