March 7, 2012

  • Needs

    So, yeah... My body decided I needed sleep today... I didn't wake up until noon today! Geez... I woke up around 9:30, but after a brief conversation with the Boots Lady, I went back to bed. I did feel better when I finally crawled out of bed, though I hate feeling like a bum like that...

    Since I wasn't very well yesterday, nor have much energy, I didn't get a chance to relay my appointment. It was productive, you could say. The doc thinks that surgery could actually make my symptoms worse. The plus is that not only does he think that I don't need surgery now, he's pretty confident that I won't ever need surgery. He suggested looking into aqua-therapy, something where the weight is taken off yet there is still resistant. He also thought doing a bio-feedback study would be beneficial. I'm even thinking about giving physical therapy another shot; maybe I'll finally get someone who can get me and get my back where I want to be. I think at the moment I'd be willing to jump in a crick butt naked if someone said it'd be good for me...

    On to my 49-day journey now... Yesterday and today deals with the underlying issues from childhood that form some of your habits. Like when you're told as a kid that "you're stupid," when you really aren't, and how your delicate little mind in childhood decides to either be the smartest kid in class or to fail and continue to do so to prove that you're stupid. The story that the author relayed was about a chick who was always under pressure to be perfect. She developed eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) as a way for her to cope with the anxiety and pressure. She felt that when she purged, she was purging the things that wouldn't make her perfect. The author was able to get the chick see how destructive this pattern was and that the ideal of being perfect was poppycock. When the chick started believing in her own self-worth and in herself, she finally had the strength to go against what everyone else wanted of her and make her own way.

    Today dealt more with how some of the issues you experience from your parents and their treatment of you growing up. Like how you don't have one parent in the picture and how that lack of attention, love, or whatever other void in your life was created by that experience. The author suggests that we should find those voids and fulfill them in ourselves to become whole. The longer we neglect ourselves, the more it reflects in our relations with others. The harder we ignore these hurts and voids, the more we look for a quick fix by entering into a relationship that is doomed to fail from the beginning.

    A good example of this from my own experience is my ex-husband. It's said we have a tendency to marry our father/mother. As much as I hate to admit it, there are considerable parallels between my ex and bio thing. That safety and permanency I looked for in my relationship with my bio thing was fulfilled in my relationship with my ex. Then after the marriage failed, there was still this void. When I was doing the online dating thing, I found a guy that reminded me of both of them. It wasn't obvious at first, but after I met the guy, when I was trying to figure out whether to keep or not, it hit me. And not just once; the twice part made me laugh. Needless to say I didn't proceed after that first meeting... I can safely say that after I made the correlation, I've not been in search of my bio thing. While I still feel that need of being safe, it's more a reflection of me and my need to be stable and solid (if that makes any sense).

    Well, I think that's it for the night... Until next time... CIAO!