March 5, 2012
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Havoc wrecker
So, yeah… It’s been a slow day in the newsroom today. Nothing really of import. The back is up to its same tricks. It’s been an interesting sort of day trying to do much of anything besides sitting. yay *sigh*
I go to the orthopeadic surgeon tomorrow to go over the bone scan. That should be really neat. Hope I can actually walk… Very thankful that my momma is going with me. Not really looking forward to the car ride part. It’s only about an hour and a half one way, but after this last week’s wonderful trips, my back is ready for some down time!
Let’s see… I’m on day 16 in my new, exciting journey. I’m not trying to avoid adding this part lately in my posts, just a lot of more private issues that I’m sorting through. I feel I’m making some strides in putting some past hurts as a kid to rest. Can’t remember what day I left ya at… This week (starting yesterday) deals more about some of the habits and thought patterns that develop in childhood. It’s been rather intriguing delving deeper into some issues that I thought I had made peace with long ago. And I’m actually surprised in how those thoughts and patterns continuously show themselves.
Like how my biological sperm donor and I have never really had a relationship. I’ve given him plenty of opportunity to be a real father to me and stand up for and with me, but time and again he chose his “other” family over me. (Now, I don’t really have anything against my stepmother or stepsisters. They’re not bad people and I don’t blame them for the rift. My bio thing is an adult and very capable of making decisions on his own.) I thought we had patched things up, and started over with a clean slate in 2005. Though, if you noticed, I still refer to him as my “biological sperm donor.” It takes a hell of a lot more than a piece of paper to make a father. (I’m happy to note here that I share part of my last name-the part after the hyphen-with the man that I consider my father. Score one for one of the nice things that came out of my divorce!) I finally realize that all I was doing was setting myself up for failure. How does this translate to my relationships and the cycles I find myself repeating? Well, it goes something about not letting someone close enough to hurt me. I’ve had so much disappointment from someone who is supposed to love me, that I find it hard to trust anyone to get close to me, to love and be loved unconditionally and unobstructed. Weird how this one little thing could wreak so much havoc!!
Well, I believe I will leave you now. My cat is starting to take over my lap and typing is rather interesting at the moment…
Until next time… CIAO!
